Wednesday, October 28, 2009

love notes from God

from the roof of my old farm house, it felt like i could see every star in the universe. i know that i couldn't, but that's what it felt like.
i used to climb out my window on to my roof at night and sit there for hours, just staring in wonder at the sky. awed by the greatness of our God. i felt in those moments complete joy. i felt surrounded by love.
did you know that there are 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way alone? that's not even counting how many there are in the other galaxies. that's amazing!
one of my all-time favorite past times, is star gazing. it always has been.
when i was little, my daddy would take my sister and i out to look at the stars and planets through the telescope. (i probably get my love of stars from him.) he knows all the planets and that good stuff. i just know i like the stars.
i can't tell you where orion is or which one is mars. i just love to look at the lights in the dark abyss.
it is just amazing to me that God put all those stars there for me to look at! it's like having a trillions of little love notes right there in front of you!
in early college my best friends paul, greg and zane and i would lay in the back of paul's pick up and look at the stars. there were times we were completely silent, but then there were times that we were overflowing with words about the greatness of our Father.
later in my college years, some friends of mine from the bible chair and myself found a field north of town that we would go lay in to star-gaze. once again, there were times of complete silence as we lay there pondering. we were all in unison in our thoughts.
i've never wondered why i like the stars.
i've always been taken aback by their beauty.
and i've been able to share my thoughts and feelings about them with others who felt much the same way. i've never really had to explain myself.
until last year.
a guy that i was dating and i were discussing our like's and dislike's one evening and i said that i loved looking at the stars. he didn't really say anything. so, i asked him if he liked looking at them. he said, and i'll never forget, "what's to look at?". i was stunned. i didn't know how to respond to this.
my normal response would be to talk about how beautiful they are and how awesome it is that God loved us so much that He would create them for us.
but, this time, that wouldn't work. you see, this man didn't believe in God. so to him, those stars were just...there.
this broke my heart. i mean, it really hurt.
i look at those twinkling lights and see a loving and powerful and wonderful God.
and he sees...nothing.
i read a beautiful love story.
he sees...darkness.
i wanted to cry. i wanted him to know the joy i felt. the love i had. but he couldn't.
everytime i look at the stars now, i think of him. we are no longer dating. in fact, we don't speak at all anymore. but, i still wish for him to be able to see what i see. to know what i know.
i want him to see more than stars. i want him to see the love story that God has for him.
i want him to have his breath taken away by the thought that someone created millions upon millions of stars JUST FOR HIM. i want him to know what a gift that is.
someday, i hope he sees them. REALLY sees them.
i hope that some still night, he turns his face to the millions of glistening pin-points of light and really, truly sees them.

i don't get to the stars much anymore where i live. and i've been missing them.
i think i'll find a place just for me and my stars, like the one i had on my roof or that old field.
i'll find somewhere that i can just be.
i'll go and i'll sit in quiet adoration.
i'll sit and i'll read my love notes.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Bit of Wish and Wash

i think i might be a bit wishy-washy. but then again, i might change my mind about that as well.
people who were constantly changing their minds or ideas or paths used to really irritate me. "just pick something already," i would say. i mean, come on, how hard is it to pick one thing and just go with it.
hmmm...well, i have recently realized that...i've become that girl now. i have a hundred different "great ideas" running through my head. a thousand different directions i would like to go in this life.
millions of feelings and emotions that i can't seem to get a reign on.
how did this even happen? i used to have it together. i used to have a plan.
but now i have LOTS of plans.
i guess, in a way, that's okay. i have options, right? back-ups in case something fails.
but, the problem is, i keep involving others in these plans/ideas/emotions and then i change my mind or heart and that's where the trouble starts.
people don't like a wishy-washy girl.
heck, i don't like a wishy-washy girl.
and i am that girl.
so what to do?
i really don't know.
do i continue on with my non-commital type lifestyle; always pursuing new things.
or, do i commit to one thing and stick with it and be safe?
i'm kinda leaning towards the former. for now at least. that could change. ha!
but seriously, i don't want to be that girl that everyone rolls their eyes at when she has a new idea. (i've been the one doing the eye-rolling before.)
i want people to take me seriously. to believe that i won't let them down. to believe that i won't let myself down.
i really don't know what to do or how to figure this out.
am i wrong because i don't want to stay in one place forever and do one thing for the rest of my life?
am i terrible because the thought of committing to something long term scares the pants off of me?
sometimes, i think yes and sometimes no.
and there we go again with the wishy-washiness.

Monday, October 19, 2009

officially a texan!

well, i finally got everything done and i am now officially a texan! (but, i'm still an oklahoman in my heart!)
it took for-stinkin-ever to get everything done, but it's done! yee-haw!
aw nuts! i just remembered, i still have to register to vote. pooh. oh well, i'm still excited i got everything else taken care of!

it's weird, because i thought giving up my ok dl and license plates and all that stuff would in some way be sad, but i'm really okay with it. i feel really at home here. i'm at a place in my life where i'm just so ridiculously happy and positive!
thanks be to God for His MARVELOUS gifts!

just goes to show that if you let Him lead, things will be good. and even if they aren't, you can still find joy in those times.

i'm still learning everyday to trust and be patient, but i'm coming along slowly and loving every minute of the ride!

so, if you are ever needing to take a rode trip, come see this happy girl in texas, y'all! ha!

Friday, October 16, 2009

stop imagining and start doing

i love the beatles.
i'd say that they are in my top 5 favorite bands.
i enjoy all of their music. throughout the decades.
and i liked their solo stuff too.
i love john, paul, george and don't forget good ole ringo.
i think that they had so much beautiful talent collectively and separately.

with that being said, everyone knows the song "imagine" by john lennon.
it's a beautiful melody. and the lyrics are a nice concept, i guess.

when i was in college in my intro. to theatre class, our final project was to take the song "imagine" and design a set, costumes and act around it. it really was a fun project. as a group, we tried our best to make everything very equal and well, vague. our concept was one of unity. but, like i said, it was pretty vague.

my professor for that class was the exact opposite of me. where i am conservative and a christian, todd was extra liberal and an atheist. but, he was one of my favorite professors of my whole college career. he made me think. because our opinions differed so greatly, i had to really know why i believed what i believed so as to be able to have an educated argument, err, discussion with him.
and we had a few of those.
but never the less, we got along really well.
i learned about theatre, but i more importantly i learned about myself. he challenged me and i appreciate that.

anyway, todd had us do this project, right. i knew why he picked that song. it's so todd. "no religion, no heaven, no possessions, no war" etc, etc.
and as stated before, while those are all nice concepts, are they really that great?

here are the lyrics:

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

yes, it would be nice if their were no possessions, because then there would be no greed, right? that's ideal. but i think we would still find something to be greedy about. we're humans.

and no hell? yeah, that would be wonderful, but then like it says, there would also be no heaven. not so ideal.

nothing to kill or die for? okay. but if there is nothing worth killing or dying for, then what is there to live for? this is the lyric that got to me the most. you would think it would be the one about heaven, but no, it was actually this one.
because without having something to die for what's the point of living or even having a heaven?

it would be wonderful if we could all get along. totally agreed.
it would be fantastic if people didn't have to be hungry. i get it.
it would be super if we weren't punished for our wrongs. okay.
but without all of those things, would we really be able to appreciate what we have? would we appreciate this life? truly appreciate it, if it were completely void of hardships and trials and choices and consequences?
i would have to say no, we wouldn't.

it's okay to be a dreamer. i'm a dreamer too.
but i just have a different dream.
one of love. and joy.
love for those people in different countries, different social classes, different backgrounds and religions.
and joy. joy in the toughest of circumstances. joy in the storm. joy in our diversity.

so, mr. lennon, i will have to respectfully disagree with you and not join you in your imagining.
instead, i'm going to live here in the now and deal with the reality i've been dealt with. i'm not going to dream of a perfect world, i'm just going to do my best to make mine better.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Welcome Home

Emma was crying. I'm not sure what happened, but my 1 year old great niece was not a happy camper. I sat at the dining room table with the rest of the girls in my family, eating Sunday dinner when we heard the familiar wimper.

There is always the sound of children's laughter or crying or whining in our house on Sunday. And normally, one of the mommy's gets up from their meal and gathers the crying child in their arms, wipes their tears and makes it all better.

For the past year the mom's have been on 24 duty without a break. The daddy's have been very busy overseas. Absent from our homes, but not our hearts and minds.

This Sunday was different than the past 52, though. None of the mommy's jumped up. They just continued their meals.

But, Emma stopped crying.

I looked over to see what had happened and there was Uncle Kory with baby Emma in his arms, wiping the tears.

At that moment it hit me, they are home. All the boys are really home for good. Not just on leave, but really, truly, home.

I've felt like I couldn't breathe for the past year. And if I felt that way as an Aunt, I can't even begin to imagine what the wives, kids, parent's and grandparent's have felt like.(God bless them. They are so strong.)

I kept it all in. My head knew they were gone. I told everyone about my family that was overseas. But I never really let my heart know. I knew, if given the chance to really sit down and think about them being away, to think about where they were, I would break.
I would lose it.
So, I pretended for 52 weeks that I was strong. I told myself that everything was just fine.

And now it is. They are back. They are safe. No more pretending. Our family is complete once again. No more counting down Sundays.

Later that afternoon, I just sat in the living room and smiled. So content. To my left sat Lance and Carly and Emma. On the couch were Kory and Teri next to Dusty and Kesha. Gloria was attending to son Mason, while Chad was coming inside from chatting with some of the guys. Every single boy was in his right place. He was home.

I don't get to see them every week like I used to now that I live in Texas, but just knowing they are back is enough for me. My heart can beat again. My lungs can fully take in the breath that was held for so long.
I can imagine them all gathered around the dinner table, laughing and telling stories.
Talking about bait shops and bands.
Discussing school and work.
Telling the kids to get out of the lily pond for the hundreth time.
Holding crying babies.

They are all there and accounted for.

We are thankful for where they have been and what they have done. They were truly missed.

But now we can finally say, welcome home sweet boys.

Welcome home.