Monday, November 30, 2009

what i really want for christmas...

people keep asking me what i want for christmas. i usually say nothing.
but honestly, what do i REALLY want? are you ready for this??? ii'm going to tell you.
i want everyone to be happy.
i want us to stop worrying. stop hurting others. stop hurting ourselves.
i want us to start trusting. start believing. start rejoicing in what we have and forget about what we don't.
i want us to stop judging ourselves and others.
so what if you aren't like everyone else. that's a good thing. embrace who you are and love you.
so what if a friend or family member is 28 and not married. they are happy. get off their back about it. just because you are married and have children doesn't mean that that has to be someone else's destiny. leave them be. stop imposing your needs onto them. stop forcing them to defend themselves.
i want us to be kind and considerate of each other and their hearts. some people get hurt easier than others. this doesn't mean that they need to "toughen up". maybe it means you need to lighten up a bit.
i want everyone to get along.
i would love nothing more than for everyone to sit down together and eat cookies and milk and laugh and love.
i want us to enjoy what we have and let go of what we used to have or never had at all.
this world throws enough junk at us as it is, we don't need to add to it with hatefullness or envy or any of that other negative stuff.
i want us to stop thinking of God as Santa Claus; as someone who you go to only when you want something and then when you don't get it you think you are being punished or that he's not real.
i want us to realize that God loves and cares. and does listen. and has our best interest at heart. even when bad things happen, even when we are hurting. He is still there.
He is God. if we could understand Him and His will, what kind of God would He be?
i want us to be peaceful.
i want us to listen more and talk less.
i want us to love like Jesus.
my christmas wish is not something you can buy at a store.
it has no price. no monetary value.
it's worth more than is comprehendable.
but it's what i really want. 

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Blog

So, I have a second blog.

Life on Indiana is a book that I have been working on for some time now. I haven't worked on it in a while, so I created a blog in hopes that that would push me to finish it. It's just stories about my college years(some of the best years of my life).

I don't really think anyone, other than the people in it, will even be interested in it, but it's a goal of mine to finish what I started, so that's what I hope to do.

Check it out if you ever get bored. :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

mediocrity at it's best

sometimes, i wish that i were more interesting.

i have incredibly interesting, talented friends.

two of my roommates in college were art majors. they had this creativity that just oozed out of them in every aspect of their lives. they were so interesting and honestly i was jealous of them. they were so laid back. didn't care if the house was a mess. didn't care if everything was in it's place or if stuff matched. in fact, they preferred the opposite.
they are both art teachers now and still just as stinkin' creative and awesome as ever.

i have friends that are/were in bands. musical genius' in my opinion. they can pick up any instrument and play it as if they had always known how to.

one friend of mine is a cake decorator. her talent and vision is insane. her cakes are absolutely beautiful. not only can she bake/cook ANYTHING, but she can sing and play the guitar(which she taught herself to do in a summer), she can paint and write. crazy-talented, this girl.

another friend of mine does improv comedy. she is one of the funniest people i've ever met. this one also plays the cello.
i see these people with their ability to create and i become extremely envious.

i've been mediocre at several things in my life. but never really excelled at any one thing.

i can carry a tune, but i never was the best.
i tried playing the guitar but never could quite get it.
i can't draw to save my life.
i like to cook, but i'm nothin special.

i LOVE order and rules. the more, the better i say.
i like things to match and to be clean and neat.
i'm, well, i'm boring.
let's just put it out there and call it what it is.

and i'd like to say that i've tried to be interesting, but i just don't agree with the idea of making yourself something you aren't. i'm not going to be different just for the sake of being different, you know? i mean, if i'm different, then cool, but i'm not gonna force it.
that's kinda lame.

i would rather just be one of those people who it just happens for.
one who has a cool way of wording things. like, i heard this song on npr today and the lyric was "i've got so much time on my hands and i can't wash it off." what is that?! i want to think like that! geesh.

i want to be able to pick up a pen or paintbrush and create a work of art.
not gonna happen though.

i'd like to write songs and be able to play them in a coffee shop.
nope. won't happen either.

i'm not saying that i'm not going to try to do these things, if i want to. for example, i want to take ballroom dancing lessons. so, i'm going to. but do i expect that i'll be the best dancer in the class? nah. i took dance for 16 yrs and was just okay at it. and not because i didn't want to be good. oh, i wanted to. but, i didn't have the body type.

anyway, this sounds really whiney, i know. i don't mean for it to. it's just how i feel. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be an artist, or dancer or singer or musician or chef, etc. etc. i'm not gonna be excellent at any of those things.

but hey! maybe, just maybe, i'll excel at being mediocre. ;)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

wyatt's momma

"well, she's been through more than her share," daddy said to me during a recent phone conversation. he had called me to let me know that my new nephew had finally arrived.

i had been on pins and needles all day, monday the 9th of november. my sister was being induced that morning. the baby was 2 weeks early but, they were inducing her because he just wasn't getting enough nutrients. we were assured by the doctors that everything would be okay i knew that everything was going to be just fine with both mommy and baby, but i was still apprehensive.

ever since my sister found out she had cancer 5 years ago, i've become extremely over protective. our roles reversed a little. she is still my "big sister" and i still go to her for almost everything, but somehow, at that moment in time, i felt like i needed to be the one to protect her.
the cancer created a special bond between the two of us. i hate cancer. it's evil. it's ugly and mean and it creates havoc in the lives of those around it. it's a thief and a murderer.
but it didn't win. instead of taking a life, it helped us to see how valuable life is.
my sister is one of the strongest people i know. from the get-go she had a "can do" attitude. i remember the night she told my parents and i that she had breast cancer. she was very matter of fact about the whole thing. she said, "i've already cried, and i'm done crying. now, i'm going to go home and let you cry. and tomorrow, we will get up and we will fight. and we will beat this." and that's exactly what happened.
i waited until she left to lose it. and then i quietly ascended the stairs to my bedroom, shut the door, sat down on my bed and well, lost my mind for a bit. i screamed. i cried. i prayed that God would let me keep my sister. and He did. and through it he blessed our relationship.
i have to admit that in the beginning i was not the best sister. i couldn't stand to see her sick, so up until the first surgery i basically pretended like she wasn't. i even avoided her a little bit. but then, i realized that i couldn't do that. it was my job as her sister and friend to be there.
and i tried to be there every step of the way from that point on. now, i'm not writing any of this next part to brag on myself. no, in fact, i am bragging on my sister and her ability to handle anything.
i was there after her first round of chemo when her hair started to fall out. it started coming out, literally in clumps. we went outside so as not to make a mess in the house. we were sitting on the porch, and she was joking about it as we both pulled massive amounts of her beautiful blonde hair from her head. we had gone the week before to get her hair cut short so that it wouldn't be so traumatic. i chose then to join her in cutting mine short too. so, there we were, laughing and joking and pulling out hair and i just stopped. tears filled my eyes and i said, "amanda, i can't do this." so she said, "okay". and we immediately called her beautician to tell her that amanda needed her head shaved. the beautician, the beautician's daughter and myself were all in tears as the clippers ran across amanda's scalp. she chided us and told us that it would grow back and not to be upset.
i was there in the hospital after her second mastectomy. she apologized everytime she had to wake me up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. SHE was concerned for ME.
i was there to clean her wounds and measure the amount of fluid that was in her drains. i would get queasy if she flinched. not because of the blood or incisions, but because i knew it hurt her and that made me physically ill. several times i would have to sit down. and she always apologized. "i'm sorry you have to do this," she would say quietly.
i was there when she had her reconstructive surgery and couldn't stand upright because of the huge incision across her stomach from where they removed the tissue and fat to rebuild her breasts. and once again, she apologized that i had to take care of her.
i honestly don't remember my sister complaining. not one time.
not through 3 surgeries. not through rounds of horrible chemo and "toxic waste"(as she called it) treatments. not through the radiation that burned so badly.
she didn't even complain when the doctor's advised against having children.
nope, amanda once again decided that cancer wasn't going to run her life. she WAS going to have a baby.

and 5 years after being diagnosed with cancer, she has a wonderful husband and they have a brand new baby boy.
his name is wyatt jaxon stockton and he is the most precious wonder in this world.
he is a gift from our Father and everyone in our family understands that.

when daddy and momma called me to tell me about him, i could hear their smiles through the phones. i held it together until my sister got on.
she sounded wonderful! she didn't complain about the pain. and why in the world i would have ever thought she would, i do not know. this was a cake walk compared to what she has been through in her short life. through tears, i told her to kiss wyatt for me and that i would be there in a few days. we used to never say "i love you" but now, we say it all the time. so i told her and she told me and then we hung up.

i spoke to my daddy again later and he was telling me how beautiful wyatt is. i then told him how worried i was and how silly i am for being so overprotective of this woman who can handle anything. and that's when he said, "well, she's been through more than her share." yes, she has. and i don't why. i don't think i'll ever know why. but i truly believe that God only gives to you what He knows you can handle. and my sister is strong and can handle anything that comes her way.

she is amazing, my sister, and i'll be sure to tell wyatt everytime i see him, just how amazing his momma really is.
although, i'm sure he won't need me to tell him. he'll learn that on his own, just like his aunt carrie did.

Friday, November 6, 2009


my heart is sad today.
and to be honest, pretty angry too.
the more i think about the events of yesterday at ft. hood, the more upset i get.
i try really hard not to let things anger me. i really do. anger is such an ugly emotion. it's just not pretty.
but i'm mad right now. i can't hide that.
why on earth would anyone do that?
those poor men and women.
they were either just getting back from iraq or getting ready to go.
some had just survived a nightmare, so thrilled to be on home soil. knowing that they were going to go home and kiss their families. knowing that they were going to get to hold them in their arms for the first time in a long time.
and some were getting ready to leave. anxiety and fear of what was to come rushing through them. having just said goodbye to their loved ones, emotions running high.
both groups, coming and going, heroes. standing up for their country. for people who appreciate them and people who don't.
trusting that their brothers and sisters on the base would stand beside them; have their back.
and they were betrayed.
betrayed by one of their "own".
my family was just there a few months ago.
it terrifies me to think that these people who did this, were probably there when they were.
what if it had happened then?!
what would i have done?
i'm not a violent person. i'm really not. actually, i'm usually the peace maker/keeper.
but, had that happened to my boys, i won't lie, i would probably be tempted to drive down there and find the shooters.
i know that sounds stupid and i know that there would be nothing that i could do, but geesh, would i want to!
i just don't understand this hatred that people have in their hearts.
now, some will argue with me and say that our "guys" are doing the same thing by going over there. they think our country is intruding.
but to those people, you must not have all the facts. you must not remember the numerous attacks. you must not have ever lost a loved one.
i mean, you must obviously have some good reason for having those thoughts that i just can't comprehend.
whatever your thoughts on this war are, please don't ever tell me that these men and women got what they deserved. no seriously, NEVER tell me that.
events such as yesterday cause me to remember feelings that i had during the okc bombing and 9-11. feelings of fear, anger, hurt. it brings them back as if those were just yesterday as well. i feel them all over again.
okay, i need to breathe for a minute. i'm getting myself all worked up.
but really, sometimes i think we need to get worked up. we need to feel things. REALLY, TRULY feel things. it is so important that we don't forget those days. we need to be sad for those that have sacrificed themselves. we need to hurt for those families and survivors. and sometimes, we need to be mad.
i used to think that being mad was wrong. but really, it's what you do with your anger that's wrong. sometimes, anger can lead to really amazing changes.
like when you get mad about someone beating up on you and you decide you aren't going to take it anymore so you stand up for yourself--that's a good thing.
just because you are nice and kind doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
now, i'm not going to drive down to ft. hood or anywhere for that matter and try to beat anyone up.
but i AM going to continue to support our troops and their families and our country.
i'm not going to hide my opinion just because it might be unpopular. i'm not going to back down just because someone disagrees with it or because it's politically incorrect.
i'm certain that i will always support our military and their efforts. i'm not afraid to say that.
i AM going to pray for them as well. i will pray that somehow, they find peace in this storm.
and i AM going to pray for those that did this terrible thing. i pray that their hearts are broken and that they see that this is NOT the right way. that killing people because of their religion or country affiliation is wrong. it just is.
and i AM going to pray, that i handle my anger and emotions in the proper manner.
i don't know what to do, other than to remember and pray. and love on those around me.
i'm thankful for the blessings i have in this life. i'm thankful that my loved ones are safe.
but i'm so sad that others are not.
i will try not to forget yesterday's events. right now, they are so fresh. but as time passes, they will fade. people will forget. emotions will settle. they will move on and continue with their lives.
however, the people directly affected by this, won't ever forget. it will always be right there with them.
i urge you, to never forget.
never forget how you feel at this moment. for in forgetting those feelings, this day, you forget them and the value of their lives.
and they deserve to be remembered.
they deserve to mourned.
they deserve your tears and your anger.
please remember.