Friday, April 30, 2010

don't touch that dial

i let myself listen to the songs about war now.

last year at this time, that was a definate "no no".

my nephews and friends were over-seas and to keep myself sane i only let myself listen to and watch "happy" things.
but now that they are home, when certain songs come on the radio, i don't have to reach for the dial immediately.
i can listen to them now. it's still habit to want to change it but not an automatic reaction like before.

 today, as a song by tim mcgraw came on the radio i allowed myself to really listen to the words and i thought about those boys and girls that aren't home yet.

my family has a sense of relief, but there are other families out there that still can't listen to those songs. they still have to change the station or channel.

just because my sweet boys are home doesn't mean that i am allowed to forget those other boys and girls and their friends and families.
i can't forget about those precious souls that have already gone on.
i just can't. it's not right.

so now when i hear those songs, i'll thank God for protecting my boys.
but i'll also remember to pray for His protection over all of those others. and i'll say some words of thanks for those who gave their lives.

today, i will listen but i won't forget.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

promises, promises

i hate empty words.
you know, when people say things to you because they know that's what you want to hear or how they can get to you. women(and i'm sure men as well) love to hear "pretty words". but only if they are truly meant. otherwise, they just hurt.

i can't stand broken promises.
 if a person can't back it up, then they shouldn't say it. simple as that. otherwise, it's just gonna make someone mad or break their heart.

waiting annoys me.
when someone tells me they are gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then they are late, drives me absolutely crazy. or when they tell me they will get back to me, but they never do...i can't stand that.

it's funny that these things that bother me the most, are also the things that i do/cause all the time in my relationship with Christ.

i say all the right things in my prayers. all the "i love you"s and "you are my everything"s.

i promise to be better.
to change.
to read more.
to pray more.
to love more.

but, then, i dont' do any of it. i have no follow through.
i choose to do what i want, when i want, and i make Him wait.

and you know what? He DOES.
He waits.
on ME.
He doesn't have to. but He does.


He doesn't NEED me. He's still the Lord of the universe without me.

funny thing is, He WANTS me.
He just wants to be with me.
to know me.
to love me.
to care for me.
to listen.
to guide.
to protect.

He just wants a little committment in return. that's all.
and i promise time and again to give Him that committment. i say my "i'm sorry"s and all the other pretty words. and then, again, i make Him wait.

i've done this my whole life.
and i'm sure i will continue to do so.

i get tired of things not working out on my time, so i go and try to take care of it myself.
i seek out relationships because i feel i need to be in one, and then i end up broken hearted and ashamed. or worse, i hurt the other person.
i try to solve problems on my own, and end up making a bigger mess than i started with.

and then, i come crawling back to Him, with my life in pieces expecting Him to glue it all back together. and of course He does.
and then we start all over again.

but i just can't do it anymore.

i have to try to be my best.

if i can't stand it when people lie to me or build me up then let me down with such minor promises, how much worse does He feel each time we let Him down?

oh i'm sure i'll break promises in the future.
and He'll be there with open arms when i come back with my battered and shamed heart.

but i have got to cut this selfishness business out.
i've got to stop taking Him for granted.
i've got to be the woman that i know i am destined to be.
i need to follow through.

it's unfair, really, this love and grace He gives.
this mercy that He has.
this waiting that He does.

but, i am so glad He does.

so from now on, i'll work extra hard on meaning what i say.
i'll try my best to follow through.
and i'll wait on Him.
on His timing.
on His plans.
on His promises.

because, He can and will back it up.