Just let it go already

so, i used to think that i was really good at the whole "forgiveness" thing.
if someone hurt me, i could forgive them and move right along. often times, letting them hurt me again and again.
i was never prone to hold grudges and it really irritated me when others did. i mean, what's the point. when you hold a grudge it really doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.

i realized recently, however, that there are a few people in my life who i do indeed hold a grudge against. if you mention these people's names it makes me physically ill with anger. i can't stop saying hateful things about them. i've never even tried to forgive these people.

have they asked for forgiveness...no. but should i still forgive them? most definately. the Bible tells us to forgive as we are forgiven.

i've been holding out and holding on.
i don't why i hold onto this bitterness so tightly.
it's not hurting the person's i'm angry at.
i'm certain the couldn't care less that i'm still mad at them.
yet, it's eating away at me. it's only making me uglier; making my heart harder.

i have to let it go.
but it's so hard. because if i forgive them, then i have to be nice to them. and if i'm nice to them, that gives them the chance to hurt me again. and then, they win.

but that's precisely how Christ loves us. He forgives and loves and trusts and gets hurt, time and again. and that is what we are called to do.

people say, "well, i can forgive but i won't forget." yes, that's true. when you forgive a person the memory will not be magically erased from your bank. but, if you TRULY forgive that person, you won't hold that memory against them. you will believe whole heartedly that they will never hurt you again.

we talked about love in church yesterday. "love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boost. it holds no records of wrongs....it's always hope, always trusts, alwasy perserveres..."
if i'm gonna be like Jesus, then i'm gonna have to be love because He is love. and if i'm gonna be love then i'm going to have to patient and kind and trusting and forgiving. that's all there is to it.

so, i'm making conscious effort to forgive. and to let go. and to trust. maybe, i'm setting myself up for a fall. maybe these people will break my heart again. but then again, maybe not.

either way, it's not about me. it's about doing what Christ asks of me. and there's no way i can lose there.