Part of the Plan

i consider my faith to be pretty strong.
i've gone through some tough times in my life and have come out still believing that there's a reason for everything.
my mind will never be able to completely understand this life. and i'm okay with that.
most days...
but there are times that i still wonder "why?".
this weekend was one of those times.

a dear friend of mine passed away very unexpectedly.
he was a good man.
he was my very first boss. a great boss.
he was also, the one who helped me to start my career.
he was a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, and a true man of God.

i have very fond memories of working for him.
and of just being a friend of his.

when i heard of his passing i thought to myself, "why? why do the good ones go so soon?" "why did his poor girls have to lose their daddy a week before father's day?" "why him? why now?" "surely this can't be right."

i wasn't necessarily angry, rather, just confused.

the next morning was Sunday. and i just happened to be back home and able to attend church service with my old congregation.

a good friend of mine, gave the "prayer of praise". i heard his voice crack as he spoke of bruce and praised God for allowing us to know him.

during worship we sang one of my favorite songs called "thomas' song". below are the lyrics:

Jesus, You were all to me,
Why did You die on Calvary?
O Lamb of God I fail to see
How this could be part of the plan.
They say that You're alive again,
But I saw death and ev'ry sin
Reach out to claim their darkest win.
How could this be part of the plan?
If I could only hold your hand,
And touch the scars
Where nails were driven.
I would need to feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven
Then I'd believe, only then I'd believe
Your cruel death was part of the heavenly plan.
Holy presence, holy face;
A vision filling time and space.
Your nearness makes my spirit race.
Could this be part of the plan.
I see the wounds that caused the cry,
From heaven, ocean, earth, and sky;
Where people watched their Savior die.
Could this be part of the plan?
Reaching out to hold Your hand,
And touch the scars where nails were driven;
Coming near I feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven.
Now I believe. Jesus, now I believe.
Your cruel death was part of a heavenly plan.
I proudly say with blazon cry.
"You are my Lord and my God."
 
as the hymn came to a close i brushed the tears from my eyes.
i realized then that although i don't understand now, someday, somehow, i will.
 
and because of  "the plan" my dear friend was able to go on from this life to rest with our savior.  
although our hearts ache for him here on earth, we can find comfort in knowing that he is safe in our father's arms.
he is able to see the hands that were pierced for him and the rest of us.
he is able look upon Jesus' face.
he can see "the plan" in full.

he is home now.
 
we will miss you dearly, bruce.
but, i know we'll see you soon, because it's all apart of the plan.

don't touch that dial

i let myself listen to the songs about war now.

last year at this time, that was a definate "no no".

my nephews and friends were over-seas and to keep myself sane i only let myself listen to and watch "happy" things.
but now that they are home, when certain songs come on the radio, i don't have to reach for the dial immediately.
i can listen to them now. it's still habit to want to change it but not an automatic reaction like before.

 today, as a song by tim mcgraw came on the radio i allowed myself to really listen to the words and i thought about those boys and girls that aren't home yet.

my family has a sense of relief, but there are other families out there that still can't listen to those songs. they still have to change the station or channel.

just because my sweet boys are home doesn't mean that i am allowed to forget those other boys and girls and their friends and families.
i can't forget about those precious souls that have already gone on.
i just can't. it's not right.

so now when i hear those songs, i'll thank God for protecting my boys.
but i'll also remember to pray for His protection over all of those others. and i'll say some words of thanks for those who gave their lives.

today, i will listen but i won't forget.

promises, promises

i hate empty words.
you know, when people say things to you because they know that's what you want to hear or how they can get to you. women(and i'm sure men as well) love to hear "pretty words". but only if they are truly meant. otherwise, they just hurt.

i can't stand broken promises.
 if a person can't back it up, then they shouldn't say it. simple as that. otherwise, it's just gonna make someone mad or break their heart.

waiting annoys me.
when someone tells me they are gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then they are late, drives me absolutely crazy. or when they tell me they will get back to me, but they never do...i can't stand that.

it's funny that these things that bother me the most, are also the things that i do/cause all the time in my relationship with Christ.

i say all the right things in my prayers. all the "i love you"s and "you are my everything"s.

i promise to be better.
to change.
to read more.
to pray more.
to love more.

but, then, i dont' do any of it. i have no follow through.
i choose to do what i want, when i want, and i make Him wait.

and you know what? He DOES.
He waits.
patiently.
on ME.
He doesn't have to. but He does.

why?

He doesn't NEED me. He's still the Lord of the universe without me.

funny thing is, He WANTS me.
He just wants to be with me.
to know me.
to love me.
to care for me.
to listen.
to guide.
to protect.

He just wants a little committment in return. that's all.
and i promise time and again to give Him that committment. i say my "i'm sorry"s and all the other pretty words. and then, again, i make Him wait.


i've done this my whole life.
and i'm sure i will continue to do so.

i get tired of things not working out on my time, so i go and try to take care of it myself.
i seek out relationships because i feel i need to be in one, and then i end up broken hearted and ashamed. or worse, i hurt the other person.
i try to solve problems on my own, and end up making a bigger mess than i started with.

and then, i come crawling back to Him, with my life in pieces expecting Him to glue it all back together. and of course He does.
and then we start all over again.


but i just can't do it anymore.

i have to try to be my best.

if i can't stand it when people lie to me or build me up then let me down with such minor promises, how much worse does He feel each time we let Him down?

oh i'm sure i'll break promises in the future.
and He'll be there with open arms when i come back with my battered and shamed heart.

but i have got to cut this selfishness business out.
i've got to stop taking Him for granted.
i've got to be the woman that i know i am destined to be.
i need to follow through.

it's unfair, really, this love and grace He gives.
this mercy that He has.
this waiting that He does.

but, i am so glad He does.

so from now on, i'll work extra hard on meaning what i say.
i'll try my best to follow through.
and i'll wait on Him.
on His timing.
on His plans.
on His promises.

because, He can and will back it up.

GREAT LYRIC TO THINK ABOUT

"if you don't expect too much from me,  you might not be let down."~Gin Blossoms

yep. that's good stuff right there.

love today

so, i like to pretend that i'm a cynic. i don't really know why.
i think sarcasm and cynicism is pretty humorous, i guess.
i like to act like i hate valentine's day and love and all that stuff.
i like to pretend i'm bitter. it gets pretty good laughs.
but you wanna know the truth?

i LOVE love.

i am a ridiculously hopeless romantic.
i love all things sappy and mushy. to the point that i almost annoy myself.
i get all giddy when i see little old couples.
romantic comedies are my all-time favorites.
poetry makes me swoon. i cry when i hear certain love songs.
like i said, it's pretty ridiculous.

but it's not just romantic love, either.
i love to tell my friends and my family that i love them.
i love for people to know how special they are to me.
it makes me happy to make other people happy.
i feel like everyone should know how worthy they are of love.
all people deserve to be told that they have value; that they are cherished.

call me naive, but i think the beatles hit the nail on the head when they said, "all you need is love".
it's the beginning and the end of all things.
there is no such thing as undeserving of love. it's meant for all.
some just are a little more apprehensive to accept it.

one of my favorite quotes says, "i love the idea of being in love, but it's the actual responsibility of BEING love that i can't deal with"(jaci valasquez).
ugh. so true. everyone wants to be loved, but when it comes time to being love, to loving without condition or judgement or retrainst, that's the tough part.
we have these limits, these standards, these conditions that we put on love and people.
we somehow have this idea that we have the right to say who does or does not deserve to be loved. what is that about?
we are loved because SOMEONE first loved us. who are we to withhold that from another person? but we all do it. we are all guilty at one time or another of holding out.

then there's the fear of loving someone and not having them love you back. the fear of offering everything you have and having someone take and take and take but never give to you in return. that, i think, is terrifying. but, if you never try, you'll never know, right? if you never give that love to people, then you never give them the chance to love you.

but what about letting someone love you? in my opinion, that might be even more terrifying then NOT having someone love you back. because if you allow someone to love you, then you have to allow them to know you. completely. that's horrifying. but, i believe, totally worth it. knowing that someone knows all your crap. all your history, all your flaws, all your quirks and still loves you in spite of it all...that's absolutely beautiful.

love is the greatest give one can give or receive. yes, there is always the chance that you will get hurt, but there is also the chance that you won't. mother theresa said, "i have found the paradox that if i love until i hurt, then there is no hurt, only more love". i think she may have been on to something.

so friends, have the courage to show those around you that you really LOVE them.

and please, please, PLEASE, let them love you back.

"now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love."

Indiana

So I finally added a couple more chapters to the Life on Indiana blog. Check em out and tell me what you think!

oh bob dylan

goodness i love bob dylan.
that man, he's got a way with words.
some don't like his voice, but i do.
i just love how real he is when he sings.

i've had some of his lyrics swimming in my head for a while now.
it's amazing how someone who has never met you can write something or sing something that fits you.

"and she aches just like a woman,
but she breaks just like a little girl"

i've felt a connection to those lines since the first time i heard them.

i try to so hard to pretend i'm strong all the time.
i try to be a "grown up".
i strive to be the one with the positive attitude or the smile on her face.
sure, i joke in a cynical manner, but when it comes to those oh-so-important times where a positive attitude is what is needed, i try to be the one who has it.
i work on "acting my age".
i try not to show too much emotion and avoid being a "baby" in certain situations.

but, i have such BIG feelings.
such STRONG emotions.

when i love, i love so big that it consumes me. and i want those that i love to know right then how much i adore them.
when i'm happy, it overflows onto my face so that the world knows and i just want to dance or scream or giggle and be silly.
and when my heart aches, it aches with such an enormity that sometimes i feel it will literally break.

as i get older, i learn so much more than i ever wanted to know about this world.
i have the knowledge of a grown woman.
i have the strength of an adult.
but, still, there are times that when i hurt, i break just like that little girl i was years ago.

sometimes, i feel ashamed of FEELING so much.
i get onto myself for be "overly emotional".
but, maybe, it's okay to feel things the way i do.
maybe it just means i care that much more.
perhaps it's okay to have that faith like a child.

so, yes, i do ache just like a woman but i still break just like a little girl.

so please, if i give you a piece of my heart, handle it with care.