GREAT LYRIC TO THINK ABOUT

"if you don't expect too much from me,  you might not be let down."~Gin Blossoms

yep. that's good stuff right there.

love today

so, i like to pretend that i'm a cynic. i don't really know why.
i think sarcasm and cynicism is pretty humorous, i guess.
i like to act like i hate valentine's day and love and all that stuff.
i like to pretend i'm bitter. it gets pretty good laughs.
but you wanna know the truth?

i LOVE love.

i am a ridiculously hopeless romantic.
i love all things sappy and mushy. to the point that i almost annoy myself.
i get all giddy when i see little old couples.
romantic comedies are my all-time favorites.
poetry makes me swoon. i cry when i hear certain love songs.
like i said, it's pretty ridiculous.

but it's not just romantic love, either.
i love to tell my friends and my family that i love them.
i love for people to know how special they are to me.
it makes me happy to make other people happy.
i feel like everyone should know how worthy they are of love.
all people deserve to be told that they have value; that they are cherished.

call me naive, but i think the beatles hit the nail on the head when they said, "all you need is love".
it's the beginning and the end of all things.
there is no such thing as undeserving of love. it's meant for all.
some just are a little more apprehensive to accept it.

one of my favorite quotes says, "i love the idea of being in love, but it's the actual responsibility of BEING love that i can't deal with"(jaci valasquez).
ugh. so true. everyone wants to be loved, but when it comes time to being love, to loving without condition or judgement or retrainst, that's the tough part.
we have these limits, these standards, these conditions that we put on love and people.
we somehow have this idea that we have the right to say who does or does not deserve to be loved. what is that about?
we are loved because SOMEONE first loved us. who are we to withhold that from another person? but we all do it. we are all guilty at one time or another of holding out.

then there's the fear of loving someone and not having them love you back. the fear of offering everything you have and having someone take and take and take but never give to you in return. that, i think, is terrifying. but, if you never try, you'll never know, right? if you never give that love to people, then you never give them the chance to love you.

but what about letting someone love you? in my opinion, that might be even more terrifying then NOT having someone love you back. because if you allow someone to love you, then you have to allow them to know you. completely. that's horrifying. but, i believe, totally worth it. knowing that someone knows all your crap. all your history, all your flaws, all your quirks and still loves you in spite of it all...that's absolutely beautiful.

love is the greatest give one can give or receive. yes, there is always the chance that you will get hurt, but there is also the chance that you won't. mother theresa said, "i have found the paradox that if i love until i hurt, then there is no hurt, only more love". i think she may have been on to something.

so friends, have the courage to show those around you that you really LOVE them.

and please, please, PLEASE, let them love you back.

"now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love."

Indiana

So I finally added a couple more chapters to the Life on Indiana blog. Check em out and tell me what you think!

oh bob dylan

goodness i love bob dylan.
that man, he's got a way with words.
some don't like his voice, but i do.
i just love how real he is when he sings.

i've had some of his lyrics swimming in my head for a while now.
it's amazing how someone who has never met you can write something or sing something that fits you.

"and she aches just like a woman,
but she breaks just like a little girl"

i've felt a connection to those lines since the first time i heard them.

i try to so hard to pretend i'm strong all the time.
i try to be a "grown up".
i strive to be the one with the positive attitude or the smile on her face.
sure, i joke in a cynical manner, but when it comes to those oh-so-important times where a positive attitude is what is needed, i try to be the one who has it.
i work on "acting my age".
i try not to show too much emotion and avoid being a "baby" in certain situations.

but, i have such BIG feelings.
such STRONG emotions.

when i love, i love so big that it consumes me. and i want those that i love to know right then how much i adore them.
when i'm happy, it overflows onto my face so that the world knows and i just want to dance or scream or giggle and be silly.
and when my heart aches, it aches with such an enormity that sometimes i feel it will literally break.

as i get older, i learn so much more than i ever wanted to know about this world.
i have the knowledge of a grown woman.
i have the strength of an adult.
but, still, there are times that when i hurt, i break just like that little girl i was years ago.

sometimes, i feel ashamed of FEELING so much.
i get onto myself for be "overly emotional".
but, maybe, it's okay to feel things the way i do.
maybe it just means i care that much more.
perhaps it's okay to have that faith like a child.

so, yes, i do ache just like a woman but i still break just like a little girl.

so please, if i give you a piece of my heart, handle it with care.

what i really want for christmas...

people keep asking me what i want for christmas. i usually say nothing.
but honestly, what do i REALLY want? are you ready for this??? ii'm going to tell you.
i want everyone to be happy.
i want us to stop worrying. stop hurting others. stop hurting ourselves.
i want us to start trusting. start believing. start rejoicing in what we have and forget about what we don't.
i want us to stop judging ourselves and others.
so what if you aren't like everyone else. that's a good thing. embrace who you are and love you.
so what if a friend or family member is 28 and not married. they are happy. get off their back about it. just because you are married and have children doesn't mean that that has to be someone else's destiny. leave them be. stop imposing your needs onto them. stop forcing them to defend themselves.
i want us to be kind and considerate of each other and their hearts. some people get hurt easier than others. this doesn't mean that they need to "toughen up". maybe it means you need to lighten up a bit.
i want everyone to get along.
i would love nothing more than for everyone to sit down together and eat cookies and milk and laugh and love.
i want us to enjoy what we have and let go of what we used to have or never had at all.
this world throws enough junk at us as it is, we don't need to add to it with hatefullness or envy or any of that other negative stuff.
i want us to stop thinking of God as Santa Claus; as someone who you go to only when you want something and then when you don't get it you think you are being punished or that he's not real.
i want us to realize that God loves and cares. and does listen. and has our best interest at heart. even when bad things happen, even when we are hurting. He is still there.
He is God. if we could understand Him and His will, what kind of God would He be?
i want us to be peaceful.
i want us to listen more and talk less.
i want us to love like Jesus.
my christmas wish is not something you can buy at a store.
it has no price. no monetary value.
it's worth more than is comprehendable.
but it's what i really want. 

New Blog

So, I have a second blog. http://lifeonindiana.blogspot.com/

Life on Indiana is a book that I have been working on for some time now. I haven't worked on it in a while, so I created a blog in hopes that that would push me to finish it. It's just stories about my college years(some of the best years of my life).

I don't really think anyone, other than the people in it, will even be interested in it, but it's a goal of mine to finish what I started, so that's what I hope to do.

Check it out if you ever get bored. :)

mediocrity at it's best

sometimes, i wish that i were more interesting.

i have incredibly interesting, talented friends.

two of my roommates in college were art majors. they had this creativity that just oozed out of them in every aspect of their lives. they were so interesting and honestly i was jealous of them. they were so laid back. didn't care if the house was a mess. didn't care if everything was in it's place or if stuff matched. in fact, they preferred the opposite.
they are both art teachers now and still just as stinkin' creative and awesome as ever.

i have friends that are/were in bands. musical genius' in my opinion. they can pick up any instrument and play it as if they had always known how to.

one friend of mine is a cake decorator. her talent and vision is insane. her cakes are absolutely beautiful. not only can she bake/cook ANYTHING, but she can sing and play the guitar(which she taught herself to do in a summer), she can paint and write. crazy-talented, this girl.

another friend of mine does improv comedy. she is one of the funniest people i've ever met. this one also plays the cello.
i see these people with their ability to create and i become extremely envious.

i've been mediocre at several things in my life. but never really excelled at any one thing.

i can carry a tune, but i never was the best.
i tried playing the guitar but never could quite get it.
i can't draw to save my life.
i like to cook, but i'm nothin special.

i LOVE order and rules. the more, the better i say.
i like things to match and to be clean and neat.
i'm, well, i'm boring.
let's just put it out there and call it what it is.

and i'd like to say that i've tried to be interesting, but i just don't agree with the idea of making yourself something you aren't. i'm not going to be different just for the sake of being different, you know? i mean, if i'm different, then cool, but i'm not gonna force it.
that's kinda lame.

i would rather just be one of those people who it just happens for.
one who has a cool way of wording things. like, i heard this song on npr today and the lyric was "i've got so much time on my hands and i can't wash it off." what is that?! i want to think like that! geesh.

i want to be able to pick up a pen or paintbrush and create a work of art.
not gonna happen though.

i'd like to write songs and be able to play them in a coffee shop.
nope. won't happen either.

i'm not saying that i'm not going to try to do these things, if i want to. for example, i want to take ballroom dancing lessons. so, i'm going to. but do i expect that i'll be the best dancer in the class? nah. i took dance for 16 yrs and was just okay at it. and not because i didn't want to be good. oh, i wanted to. but, i didn't have the body type.


anyway, this sounds really whiney, i know. i don't mean for it to. it's just how i feel. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be an artist, or dancer or singer or musician or chef, etc. etc. i'm not gonna be excellent at any of those things.

but hey! maybe, just maybe, i'll excel at being mediocre. ;)