i stole this from someone's facebook quotes.
i don't even know the person but i'm sure they wouldn't mind me stealing it.
i thought it was worth sharing.
i've been pondering life A LOT lately, and this helped put some things into perspective.
God knew i needed to read it.
hope it blesses you as it did me.
"There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love."
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
i need to be slapped
i've been pretty pouty lately.
with no good reason at all, i've been pretty down.
just whiney about all the little things in my life that haven't gone the way i expected them too.
and i'm sure for those around me, it's gotten quite annoying because frankly, i'm annyoying myself with this attitude.
recently, i've heard/read stories about friends and loved ones and the struggles they have been going through and how they are handling these situations with complete grace and trust.
this is a pretty big slap in my face, considering how good i really do have it and how much of a baby i've been being.
God has been reminding me that He has a plan for my life that is far greater than i could even begin to imagine.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
this isn't the only verse that says something like this. there are numerous times in His Word that He tells us that He knows what He's doing and that He loves us and WILL take care of us.
but even if the verse in Jeremiah was the one and only time He said anything like that, that should be enough.
if He said it, He meant it, and He will do it.
our Father has indeed blessed me in this life. i have it so good compared to so many others and have no right to complain or feel distressed.
i need to be reminded of this on a daily basis.
i've been acting like a spoiled child lately and it's just not right. He gives and gives and gives and i continue to take and expect more. i've totally taken for granted His grace and love and mercy and gifts.
i pray that He forgives me for this.
and i know He will because that's how He works. :)
i will count my blessing today rather than my misfortunes. i know the former greatly outweighs the latter.
i will rejoice in the goodness of our Savior and put my trust in Him and Him alone.
and someday in the future when i go back to my pouty and selfish ways(because i undoubtedly will) i pray that He slaps me in the face once again, just like He did today.
with no good reason at all, i've been pretty down.
just whiney about all the little things in my life that haven't gone the way i expected them too.
and i'm sure for those around me, it's gotten quite annoying because frankly, i'm annyoying myself with this attitude.
recently, i've heard/read stories about friends and loved ones and the struggles they have been going through and how they are handling these situations with complete grace and trust.
this is a pretty big slap in my face, considering how good i really do have it and how much of a baby i've been being.
God has been reminding me that He has a plan for my life that is far greater than i could even begin to imagine.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
this isn't the only verse that says something like this. there are numerous times in His Word that He tells us that He knows what He's doing and that He loves us and WILL take care of us.
but even if the verse in Jeremiah was the one and only time He said anything like that, that should be enough.
if He said it, He meant it, and He will do it.
our Father has indeed blessed me in this life. i have it so good compared to so many others and have no right to complain or feel distressed.
i need to be reminded of this on a daily basis.
i've been acting like a spoiled child lately and it's just not right. He gives and gives and gives and i continue to take and expect more. i've totally taken for granted His grace and love and mercy and gifts.
i pray that He forgives me for this.
and i know He will because that's how He works. :)
i will count my blessing today rather than my misfortunes. i know the former greatly outweighs the latter.
i will rejoice in the goodness of our Savior and put my trust in Him and Him alone.
and someday in the future when i go back to my pouty and selfish ways(because i undoubtedly will) i pray that He slaps me in the face once again, just like He did today.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
my heaven
I recently read the book "the five people you meet in heaven". It was a pretty good read.
If you haven't read it, I'll give you a little bit of info about it so that you can understand what I'm about to write.
In the book a man named Eddie passes away. However, instead of going directly to heaven he must first meet five people and learn 5 lessons. With each person he meets, he goes to "their heaven"--a place they loved and want to spend eternity. For example, when Eddie meets the first man, he goes to a theme park because this is where the man was the happiest in his life.
This is a nice idea. I'm not sure I think that's how it's going to be but, I get the point.
It did make me think about what I would want "my heaven" to be, if I could pick.
So, where was I the happiest?
I love the beach. it's beautiful and peaceful. Warm and sunny. That would be nice. But not necessarily my pick.
Scotland's rolling hills were incredible. A sight that is hard to explain unless one has been there. Rainbows upon rainbows. Green, rolling hills that seems to go on forever. One of my favorite places I have visited, but not THE favorite.
I love Thailand with it's amazing sights and incredible people.
Tennessee almost feels like home, even though I've only visited a couple of times.
All of those places are spectacular.
But if I had to pick one place, just one, I would pick the canyon on my family's land.
I've tried to describe our canyon to people before who have never heard of or been to such a place, and I fear I've done a poor job.
So let me try, once again to give a fair description of this place that touches my heart so deeply.
Through the land that my family owns runs a canyon. Not large and vast like the grand canyon and not small and shallow like a creek.
You drive through the pasture and there's a line of trees all along. It just looks like a regular tree row. But, past those trees, lies the canyon. You weave your way down the trails that the cattle have created over the years. After a few minutes trek, you hear and smell the water before you see it. You come upon the edge and below is the stream and pools. green moss, red sand rock, wild flowers and clear water greet you. There are streams to wade in and deep, cool pools to swim in. there are fish to catch. It's truly breath taking...almost magical.
But the beauty is not the only reason why I love it. =It's the memories that that canyon holds.
When my sister and I were little girls, after working out in the summer sun, our daddy would take us for a swim in the canyon. We'd splash and play. We were never afraid of snakes or any other animals because we knew our dad was there to protect us. There was never a worry or a care; just freedom and pure happiness.
Sometimes, if we had time, Dad, my sister and I would "walk the canyon". This meant, we would start at the swimming hole and walk south all the way to the end. There comes a point on the walk where the canyon splits and you can go left and continue until you leave our land and the canyon becomes someone else's property. This is a pretty easy journey. But, if you go right, there's a little more adventure to be had. This way is a little more rugged. Less traveled. More moss and fallen trees. But the end result is so cool! You get to the pool, which is called "the Devil's Soup Bowl" and it completely dead-ends. It's just sand rock wall straight up for about 15 feet. The water is so clear and cold, as it is fed by natural springs. There's even a little cave up in the wall. A long time ago you could access the cave via a ledge, but over the years the ledge has eroded. I hear there are some initials of some pretty ornery boys carved in there; one set being my dad's.
If you decided you wanted to go north from the swimming hole, there are more initials to be seen. Etched into the wall of sand rock, you will find my papa's initials and my daddy's. you see, it was one of their favorite places too.
I've shared so many fun times in that old muddy canyon.
My first camping experience was on the banks of the stream in the canyon when I was only a few years old.
My nephews and I loved to go play there. Sometimes making our own "huckleberry fin" type poles to fish with.
My best friend Sarah and I would go there often when we were teens to just get away.
The summer before my senior year of high school, 3 of my best friend's and myself camped there. It was sooo hot, but lot's of fun. We played in the water and cooked hot dogs; built a bon fire that was way too big and completely unnecessary in August. We felt so grown up, being out there on our own. I cherish that time so much because it was one of the last times that I got to spend with my friend and cousin, Jan. We lost her a few years later in a car accident. The picture that was chosen to be on her headstone is actually from that very trip. I can still hear her sweet laugh and the other girls as well, as we lay in that tent so many years ago talking about boys and the upcoming school year and whatever else 18 year old girls discuss.
I've heard stories so many times about my daddy and his daddy in that canyon, that they feel like my own. My dad and his friends played there, making forts and doing God only knows what else. My papa played there when he was young as well.
Life always seemed so much better on the canyon. Not that I didn't have a perfectly wonderful life, but everyone has bad days now and again. But in that canyon everything else just faded away. For the moments we were there, there were no worries, no arguments, no stress. Just peace. Like I said, it was pretty magical.
I haven't been there in several years. but it's in my heart. I still know it like the back of my hand. It's such an important part of me. Nothing but joy comes to my mind when I remember the canyon.
So yeah, I guess if heaven were the place you were the happiest in this life, my heaven would be the canyon--tall green grass, wild flowers, clear streams and pools. And memories, beautiful memories.
If you haven't read it, I'll give you a little bit of info about it so that you can understand what I'm about to write.
In the book a man named Eddie passes away. However, instead of going directly to heaven he must first meet five people and learn 5 lessons. With each person he meets, he goes to "their heaven"--a place they loved and want to spend eternity. For example, when Eddie meets the first man, he goes to a theme park because this is where the man was the happiest in his life.
This is a nice idea. I'm not sure I think that's how it's going to be but, I get the point.
It did make me think about what I would want "my heaven" to be, if I could pick.
So, where was I the happiest?
I love the beach. it's beautiful and peaceful. Warm and sunny. That would be nice. But not necessarily my pick.
Scotland's rolling hills were incredible. A sight that is hard to explain unless one has been there. Rainbows upon rainbows. Green, rolling hills that seems to go on forever. One of my favorite places I have visited, but not THE favorite.
I love Thailand with it's amazing sights and incredible people.
Tennessee almost feels like home, even though I've only visited a couple of times.
All of those places are spectacular.
But if I had to pick one place, just one, I would pick the canyon on my family's land.
I've tried to describe our canyon to people before who have never heard of or been to such a place, and I fear I've done a poor job.
So let me try, once again to give a fair description of this place that touches my heart so deeply.
Through the land that my family owns runs a canyon. Not large and vast like the grand canyon and not small and shallow like a creek.
You drive through the pasture and there's a line of trees all along. It just looks like a regular tree row. But, past those trees, lies the canyon. You weave your way down the trails that the cattle have created over the years. After a few minutes trek, you hear and smell the water before you see it. You come upon the edge and below is the stream and pools. green moss, red sand rock, wild flowers and clear water greet you. There are streams to wade in and deep, cool pools to swim in. there are fish to catch. It's truly breath taking...almost magical.
But the beauty is not the only reason why I love it. =It's the memories that that canyon holds.
When my sister and I were little girls, after working out in the summer sun, our daddy would take us for a swim in the canyon. We'd splash and play. We were never afraid of snakes or any other animals because we knew our dad was there to protect us. There was never a worry or a care; just freedom and pure happiness.
Sometimes, if we had time, Dad, my sister and I would "walk the canyon". This meant, we would start at the swimming hole and walk south all the way to the end. There comes a point on the walk where the canyon splits and you can go left and continue until you leave our land and the canyon becomes someone else's property. This is a pretty easy journey. But, if you go right, there's a little more adventure to be had. This way is a little more rugged. Less traveled. More moss and fallen trees. But the end result is so cool! You get to the pool, which is called "the Devil's Soup Bowl" and it completely dead-ends. It's just sand rock wall straight up for about 15 feet. The water is so clear and cold, as it is fed by natural springs. There's even a little cave up in the wall. A long time ago you could access the cave via a ledge, but over the years the ledge has eroded. I hear there are some initials of some pretty ornery boys carved in there; one set being my dad's.
If you decided you wanted to go north from the swimming hole, there are more initials to be seen. Etched into the wall of sand rock, you will find my papa's initials and my daddy's. you see, it was one of their favorite places too.
I've shared so many fun times in that old muddy canyon.
My first camping experience was on the banks of the stream in the canyon when I was only a few years old.
My nephews and I loved to go play there. Sometimes making our own "huckleberry fin" type poles to fish with.
My best friend Sarah and I would go there often when we were teens to just get away.
The summer before my senior year of high school, 3 of my best friend's and myself camped there. It was sooo hot, but lot's of fun. We played in the water and cooked hot dogs; built a bon fire that was way too big and completely unnecessary in August. We felt so grown up, being out there on our own. I cherish that time so much because it was one of the last times that I got to spend with my friend and cousin, Jan. We lost her a few years later in a car accident. The picture that was chosen to be on her headstone is actually from that very trip. I can still hear her sweet laugh and the other girls as well, as we lay in that tent so many years ago talking about boys and the upcoming school year and whatever else 18 year old girls discuss.
I've heard stories so many times about my daddy and his daddy in that canyon, that they feel like my own. My dad and his friends played there, making forts and doing God only knows what else. My papa played there when he was young as well.
Life always seemed so much better on the canyon. Not that I didn't have a perfectly wonderful life, but everyone has bad days now and again. But in that canyon everything else just faded away. For the moments we were there, there were no worries, no arguments, no stress. Just peace. Like I said, it was pretty magical.
I haven't been there in several years. but it's in my heart. I still know it like the back of my hand. It's such an important part of me. Nothing but joy comes to my mind when I remember the canyon.
So yeah, I guess if heaven were the place you were the happiest in this life, my heaven would be the canyon--tall green grass, wild flowers, clear streams and pools. And memories, beautiful memories.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Just let it go already
so, i used to think that i was really good at the whole "forgiveness" thing.
if someone hurt me, i could forgive them and move right along. often times, letting them hurt me again and again.
i was never prone to hold grudges and it really irritated me when others did. i mean, what's the point. when you hold a grudge it really doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.
i realized recently, however, that there are a few people in my life who i do indeed hold a grudge against. if you mention these people's names it makes me physically ill with anger. i can't stop saying hateful things about them. i've never even tried to forgive these people.
have they asked for forgiveness...no. but should i still forgive them? most definately. the Bible tells us to forgive as we are forgiven.
i've been holding out and holding on.
i don't why i hold onto this bitterness so tightly.
it's not hurting the person's i'm angry at.
i'm certain the couldn't care less that i'm still mad at them.
yet, it's eating away at me. it's only making me uglier; making my heart harder.
i have to let it go.
but it's so hard. because if i forgive them, then i have to be nice to them. and if i'm nice to them, that gives them the chance to hurt me again. and then, they win.
but that's precisely how Christ loves us. He forgives and loves and trusts and gets hurt, time and again. and that is what we are called to do.
people say, "well, i can forgive but i won't forget." yes, that's true. when you forgive a person the memory will not be magically erased from your bank. but, if you TRULY forgive that person, you won't hold that memory against them. you will believe whole heartedly that they will never hurt you again.
we talked about love in church yesterday. "love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boost. it holds no records of wrongs....it's always hope, always trusts, alwasy perserveres..."
if i'm gonna be like Jesus, then i'm gonna have to be love because He is love. and if i'm gonna be love then i'm going to have to patient and kind and trusting and forgiving. that's all there is to it.
so, i'm making conscious effort to forgive. and to let go. and to trust. maybe, i'm setting myself up for a fall. maybe these people will break my heart again. but then again, maybe not.
either way, it's not about me. it's about doing what Christ asks of me. and there's no way i can lose there.
if someone hurt me, i could forgive them and move right along. often times, letting them hurt me again and again.
i was never prone to hold grudges and it really irritated me when others did. i mean, what's the point. when you hold a grudge it really doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.
i realized recently, however, that there are a few people in my life who i do indeed hold a grudge against. if you mention these people's names it makes me physically ill with anger. i can't stop saying hateful things about them. i've never even tried to forgive these people.
have they asked for forgiveness...no. but should i still forgive them? most definately. the Bible tells us to forgive as we are forgiven.
i've been holding out and holding on.
i don't why i hold onto this bitterness so tightly.
it's not hurting the person's i'm angry at.
i'm certain the couldn't care less that i'm still mad at them.
yet, it's eating away at me. it's only making me uglier; making my heart harder.
i have to let it go.
but it's so hard. because if i forgive them, then i have to be nice to them. and if i'm nice to them, that gives them the chance to hurt me again. and then, they win.
but that's precisely how Christ loves us. He forgives and loves and trusts and gets hurt, time and again. and that is what we are called to do.
people say, "well, i can forgive but i won't forget." yes, that's true. when you forgive a person the memory will not be magically erased from your bank. but, if you TRULY forgive that person, you won't hold that memory against them. you will believe whole heartedly that they will never hurt you again.
we talked about love in church yesterday. "love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boost. it holds no records of wrongs....it's always hope, always trusts, alwasy perserveres..."
if i'm gonna be like Jesus, then i'm gonna have to be love because He is love. and if i'm gonna be love then i'm going to have to patient and kind and trusting and forgiving. that's all there is to it.
so, i'm making conscious effort to forgive. and to let go. and to trust. maybe, i'm setting myself up for a fall. maybe these people will break my heart again. but then again, maybe not.
either way, it's not about me. it's about doing what Christ asks of me. and there's no way i can lose there.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Part of the Plan
i consider my faith to be pretty strong.
i've gone through some tough times in my life and have come out still believing that there's a reason for everything.
my mind will never be able to completely understand this life. and i'm okay with that.
most days...
but there are times that i still wonder "why?".
this weekend was one of those times.
a dear friend of mine passed away very unexpectedly.
he was a good man.
he was my very first boss. a great boss.
he was also, the one who helped me to start my career.
he was a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, and a true man of God.
i have very fond memories of working for him.
and of just being a friend of his.
when i heard of his passing i thought to myself, "why? why do the good ones go so soon?" "why did his poor girls have to lose their daddy a week before father's day?" "why him? why now?" "surely this can't be right."
i wasn't necessarily angry, rather, just confused.
the next morning was Sunday. and i just happened to be back home and able to attend church service with my old congregation.
a good friend of mine, gave the "prayer of praise". i heard his voice crack as he spoke of bruce and praised God for allowing us to know him.
during worship we sang one of my favorite songs called "thomas' song". below are the lyrics:
Jesus, You were all to me,
Why did You die on Calvary?
O Lamb of God I fail to see
How this could be part of the plan.
They say that You're alive again,
But I saw death and ev'ry sin
Reach out to claim their darkest win.
How could this be part of the plan?
If I could only hold your hand,
And touch the scars
Where nails were driven.
I would need to feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven
Then I'd believe, only then I'd believe
Your cruel death was part of the heavenly plan.
Holy presence, holy face;
A vision filling time and space.
Your nearness makes my spirit race.
Could this be part of the plan.
I see the wounds that caused the cry,
From heaven, ocean, earth, and sky;
Where people watched their Savior die.
Could this be part of the plan?
Reaching out to hold Your hand,
And touch the scars where nails were driven;
Coming near I feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven.
Now I believe. Jesus, now I believe.
Your cruel death was part of a heavenly plan.
I proudly say with blazon cry.
"You are my Lord and my God."
as the hymn came to a close i brushed the tears from my eyes.
i realized then that although i don't understand now, someday, somehow, i will.
and because of "the plan" my dear friend was able to go on from this life to rest with our savior.
although our hearts ache for him here on earth, we can find comfort in knowing that he is safe in our father's arms.
he is able to see the hands that were pierced for him and the rest of us.
he is able look upon Jesus' face.
he can see "the plan" in full.
he is home now.
we will miss you dearly, bruce.
but, i know we'll see you soon, because it's all apart of the plan.
i've gone through some tough times in my life and have come out still believing that there's a reason for everything.
my mind will never be able to completely understand this life. and i'm okay with that.
most days...
but there are times that i still wonder "why?".
this weekend was one of those times.
a dear friend of mine passed away very unexpectedly.
he was a good man.
he was my very first boss. a great boss.
he was also, the one who helped me to start my career.
he was a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, and a true man of God.
i have very fond memories of working for him.
and of just being a friend of his.
when i heard of his passing i thought to myself, "why? why do the good ones go so soon?" "why did his poor girls have to lose their daddy a week before father's day?" "why him? why now?" "surely this can't be right."
i wasn't necessarily angry, rather, just confused.
the next morning was Sunday. and i just happened to be back home and able to attend church service with my old congregation.
a good friend of mine, gave the "prayer of praise". i heard his voice crack as he spoke of bruce and praised God for allowing us to know him.
during worship we sang one of my favorite songs called "thomas' song". below are the lyrics:
Jesus, You were all to me,
Why did You die on Calvary?
O Lamb of God I fail to see
How this could be part of the plan.
They say that You're alive again,
But I saw death and ev'ry sin
Reach out to claim their darkest win.
How could this be part of the plan?
If I could only hold your hand,
And touch the scars
Where nails were driven.
I would need to feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven
Then I'd believe, only then I'd believe
Your cruel death was part of the heavenly plan.
Holy presence, holy face;
A vision filling time and space.
Your nearness makes my spirit race.
Could this be part of the plan.
I see the wounds that caused the cry,
From heaven, ocean, earth, and sky;
Where people watched their Savior die.
Could this be part of the plan?
Reaching out to hold Your hand,
And touch the scars where nails were driven;
Coming near I feel Your side
Where holy flesh by spear was riven.
Now I believe. Jesus, now I believe.
Your cruel death was part of a heavenly plan.
I proudly say with blazon cry.
"You are my Lord and my God."
as the hymn came to a close i brushed the tears from my eyes.
i realized then that although i don't understand now, someday, somehow, i will.
and because of "the plan" my dear friend was able to go on from this life to rest with our savior.
although our hearts ache for him here on earth, we can find comfort in knowing that he is safe in our father's arms.
he is able to see the hands that were pierced for him and the rest of us.
he is able look upon Jesus' face.
he can see "the plan" in full.
he is home now.
we will miss you dearly, bruce.
but, i know we'll see you soon, because it's all apart of the plan.
Friday, April 30, 2010
don't touch that dial
i let myself listen to the songs about war now.
last year at this time, that was a definate "no no".
my nephews and friends were over-seas and to keep myself sane i only let myself listen to and watch "happy" things.
but now that they are home, when certain songs come on the radio, i don't have to reach for the dial immediately.
i can listen to them now. it's still habit to want to change it but not an automatic reaction like before.
today, as a song by tim mcgraw came on the radio i allowed myself to really listen to the words and i thought about those boys and girls that aren't home yet.
my family has a sense of relief, but there are other families out there that still can't listen to those songs. they still have to change the station or channel.
just because my sweet boys are home doesn't mean that i am allowed to forget those other boys and girls and their friends and families.
i can't forget about those precious souls that have already gone on.
i just can't. it's not right.
so now when i hear those songs, i'll thank God for protecting my boys.
but i'll also remember to pray for His protection over all of those others. and i'll say some words of thanks for those who gave their lives.
today, i will listen but i won't forget.
last year at this time, that was a definate "no no".
my nephews and friends were over-seas and to keep myself sane i only let myself listen to and watch "happy" things.
but now that they are home, when certain songs come on the radio, i don't have to reach for the dial immediately.
i can listen to them now. it's still habit to want to change it but not an automatic reaction like before.
today, as a song by tim mcgraw came on the radio i allowed myself to really listen to the words and i thought about those boys and girls that aren't home yet.
my family has a sense of relief, but there are other families out there that still can't listen to those songs. they still have to change the station or channel.
just because my sweet boys are home doesn't mean that i am allowed to forget those other boys and girls and their friends and families.
i can't forget about those precious souls that have already gone on.
i just can't. it's not right.
so now when i hear those songs, i'll thank God for protecting my boys.
but i'll also remember to pray for His protection over all of those others. and i'll say some words of thanks for those who gave their lives.
today, i will listen but i won't forget.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
promises, promises
i hate empty words.
you know, when people say things to you because they know that's what you want to hear or how they can get to you. women(and i'm sure men as well) love to hear "pretty words". but only if they are truly meant. otherwise, they just hurt.
i can't stand broken promises.
if a person can't back it up, then they shouldn't say it. simple as that. otherwise, it's just gonna make someone mad or break their heart.
waiting annoys me.
when someone tells me they are gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then they are late, drives me absolutely crazy. or when they tell me they will get back to me, but they never do...i can't stand that.
it's funny that these things that bother me the most, are also the things that i do/cause all the time in my relationship with Christ.
i say all the right things in my prayers. all the "i love you"s and "you are my everything"s.
i promise to be better.
to change.
to read more.
to pray more.
to love more.
but, then, i dont' do any of it. i have no follow through.
i choose to do what i want, when i want, and i make Him wait.
and you know what? He DOES.
He waits.
patiently.
on ME.
He doesn't have to. but He does.
why?
He doesn't NEED me. He's still the Lord of the universe without me.
funny thing is, He WANTS me.
He just wants to be with me.
to know me.
to love me.
to care for me.
to listen.
to guide.
to protect.
He just wants a little committment in return. that's all.
and i promise time and again to give Him that committment. i say my "i'm sorry"s and all the other pretty words. and then, again, i make Him wait.
i've done this my whole life.
and i'm sure i will continue to do so.
i get tired of things not working out on my time, so i go and try to take care of it myself.
i seek out relationships because i feel i need to be in one, and then i end up broken hearted and ashamed. or worse, i hurt the other person.
i try to solve problems on my own, and end up making a bigger mess than i started with.
and then, i come crawling back to Him, with my life in pieces expecting Him to glue it all back together. and of course He does.
and then we start all over again.
but i just can't do it anymore.
i have to try to be my best.
if i can't stand it when people lie to me or build me up then let me down with such minor promises, how much worse does He feel each time we let Him down?
oh i'm sure i'll break promises in the future.
and He'll be there with open arms when i come back with my battered and shamed heart.
but i have got to cut this selfishness business out.
i've got to stop taking Him for granted.
i've got to be the woman that i know i am destined to be.
i need to follow through.
it's unfair, really, this love and grace He gives.
this mercy that He has.
this waiting that He does.
but, i am so glad He does.
so from now on, i'll work extra hard on meaning what i say.
i'll try my best to follow through.
and i'll wait on Him.
on His timing.
on His plans.
on His promises.
because, He can and will back it up.
you know, when people say things to you because they know that's what you want to hear or how they can get to you. women(and i'm sure men as well) love to hear "pretty words". but only if they are truly meant. otherwise, they just hurt.
i can't stand broken promises.
if a person can't back it up, then they shouldn't say it. simple as that. otherwise, it's just gonna make someone mad or break their heart.
waiting annoys me.
when someone tells me they are gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then they are late, drives me absolutely crazy. or when they tell me they will get back to me, but they never do...i can't stand that.
it's funny that these things that bother me the most, are also the things that i do/cause all the time in my relationship with Christ.
i say all the right things in my prayers. all the "i love you"s and "you are my everything"s.
i promise to be better.
to change.
to read more.
to pray more.
to love more.
but, then, i dont' do any of it. i have no follow through.
i choose to do what i want, when i want, and i make Him wait.
and you know what? He DOES.
He waits.
patiently.
on ME.
He doesn't have to. but He does.
why?
He doesn't NEED me. He's still the Lord of the universe without me.
funny thing is, He WANTS me.
He just wants to be with me.
to know me.
to love me.
to care for me.
to listen.
to guide.
to protect.
He just wants a little committment in return. that's all.
and i promise time and again to give Him that committment. i say my "i'm sorry"s and all the other pretty words. and then, again, i make Him wait.
i've done this my whole life.
and i'm sure i will continue to do so.
i get tired of things not working out on my time, so i go and try to take care of it myself.
i seek out relationships because i feel i need to be in one, and then i end up broken hearted and ashamed. or worse, i hurt the other person.
i try to solve problems on my own, and end up making a bigger mess than i started with.
and then, i come crawling back to Him, with my life in pieces expecting Him to glue it all back together. and of course He does.
and then we start all over again.
but i just can't do it anymore.
i have to try to be my best.
if i can't stand it when people lie to me or build me up then let me down with such minor promises, how much worse does He feel each time we let Him down?
oh i'm sure i'll break promises in the future.
and He'll be there with open arms when i come back with my battered and shamed heart.
but i have got to cut this selfishness business out.
i've got to stop taking Him for granted.
i've got to be the woman that i know i am destined to be.
i need to follow through.
it's unfair, really, this love and grace He gives.
this mercy that He has.
this waiting that He does.
but, i am so glad He does.
so from now on, i'll work extra hard on meaning what i say.
i'll try my best to follow through.
and i'll wait on Him.
on His timing.
on His plans.
on His promises.
because, He can and will back it up.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
GREAT LYRIC TO THINK ABOUT
"if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down."~Gin Blossoms
yep. that's good stuff right there.
yep. that's good stuff right there.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
love today
so, i like to pretend that i'm a cynic. i don't really know why.
i think sarcasm and cynicism is pretty humorous, i guess.
i like to act like i hate valentine's day and love and all that stuff.
i like to pretend i'm bitter. it gets pretty good laughs.
but you wanna know the truth?
i LOVE love.
i am a ridiculously hopeless romantic.
i love all things sappy and mushy. to the point that i almost annoy myself.
i get all giddy when i see little old couples.
romantic comedies are my all-time favorites.
poetry makes me swoon. i cry when i hear certain love songs.
like i said, it's pretty ridiculous.
but it's not just romantic love, either.
i love to tell my friends and my family that i love them.
i love for people to know how special they are to me.
it makes me happy to make other people happy.
i feel like everyone should know how worthy they are of love.
all people deserve to be told that they have value; that they are cherished.
call me naive, but i think the beatles hit the nail on the head when they said, "all you need is love".
it's the beginning and the end of all things.
there is no such thing as undeserving of love. it's meant for all.
some just are a little more apprehensive to accept it.
one of my favorite quotes says, "i love the idea of being in love, but it's the actual responsibility of BEING love that i can't deal with"(jaci valasquez).
ugh. so true. everyone wants to be loved, but when it comes time to being love, to loving without condition or judgement or retrainst, that's the tough part.
we have these limits, these standards, these conditions that we put on love and people.
we somehow have this idea that we have the right to say who does or does not deserve to be loved. what is that about?
we are loved because SOMEONE first loved us. who are we to withhold that from another person? but we all do it. we are all guilty at one time or another of holding out.
then there's the fear of loving someone and not having them love you back. the fear of offering everything you have and having someone take and take and take but never give to you in return. that, i think, is terrifying. but, if you never try, you'll never know, right? if you never give that love to people, then you never give them the chance to love you.
but what about letting someone love you? in my opinion, that might be even more terrifying then NOT having someone love you back. because if you allow someone to love you, then you have to allow them to know you. completely. that's horrifying. but, i believe, totally worth it. knowing that someone knows all your crap. all your history, all your flaws, all your quirks and still loves you in spite of it all...that's absolutely beautiful.
love is the greatest give one can give or receive. yes, there is always the chance that you will get hurt, but there is also the chance that you won't. mother theresa said, "i have found the paradox that if i love until i hurt, then there is no hurt, only more love". i think she may have been on to something.
so friends, have the courage to show those around you that you really LOVE them.
and please, please, PLEASE, let them love you back.
"now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love."
i think sarcasm and cynicism is pretty humorous, i guess.
i like to act like i hate valentine's day and love and all that stuff.
i like to pretend i'm bitter. it gets pretty good laughs.
but you wanna know the truth?
i LOVE love.
i am a ridiculously hopeless romantic.
i love all things sappy and mushy. to the point that i almost annoy myself.
i get all giddy when i see little old couples.
romantic comedies are my all-time favorites.
poetry makes me swoon. i cry when i hear certain love songs.
like i said, it's pretty ridiculous.
but it's not just romantic love, either.
i love to tell my friends and my family that i love them.
i love for people to know how special they are to me.
it makes me happy to make other people happy.
i feel like everyone should know how worthy they are of love.
all people deserve to be told that they have value; that they are cherished.
call me naive, but i think the beatles hit the nail on the head when they said, "all you need is love".
it's the beginning and the end of all things.
there is no such thing as undeserving of love. it's meant for all.
some just are a little more apprehensive to accept it.
one of my favorite quotes says, "i love the idea of being in love, but it's the actual responsibility of BEING love that i can't deal with"(jaci valasquez).
ugh. so true. everyone wants to be loved, but when it comes time to being love, to loving without condition or judgement or retrainst, that's the tough part.
we have these limits, these standards, these conditions that we put on love and people.
we somehow have this idea that we have the right to say who does or does not deserve to be loved. what is that about?
we are loved because SOMEONE first loved us. who are we to withhold that from another person? but we all do it. we are all guilty at one time or another of holding out.
then there's the fear of loving someone and not having them love you back. the fear of offering everything you have and having someone take and take and take but never give to you in return. that, i think, is terrifying. but, if you never try, you'll never know, right? if you never give that love to people, then you never give them the chance to love you.
but what about letting someone love you? in my opinion, that might be even more terrifying then NOT having someone love you back. because if you allow someone to love you, then you have to allow them to know you. completely. that's horrifying. but, i believe, totally worth it. knowing that someone knows all your crap. all your history, all your flaws, all your quirks and still loves you in spite of it all...that's absolutely beautiful.
love is the greatest give one can give or receive. yes, there is always the chance that you will get hurt, but there is also the chance that you won't. mother theresa said, "i have found the paradox that if i love until i hurt, then there is no hurt, only more love". i think she may have been on to something.
so friends, have the courage to show those around you that you really LOVE them.
and please, please, PLEASE, let them love you back.
"now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love."
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Indiana
So I finally added a couple more chapters to the Life on Indiana blog. Check em out and tell me what you think!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
oh bob dylan
goodness i love bob dylan.
that man, he's got a way with words.
some don't like his voice, but i do.
i just love how real he is when he sings.
i've had some of his lyrics swimming in my head for a while now.
it's amazing how someone who has never met you can write something or sing something that fits you.
"and she aches just like a woman,
but she breaks just like a little girl"
i've felt a connection to those lines since the first time i heard them.
i try to so hard to pretend i'm strong all the time.
i try to be a "grown up".
i strive to be the one with the positive attitude or the smile on her face.
sure, i joke in a cynical manner, but when it comes to those oh-so-important times where a positive attitude is what is needed, i try to be the one who has it.
i work on "acting my age".
i try not to show too much emotion and avoid being a "baby" in certain situations.
but, i have such BIG feelings.
such STRONG emotions.
when i love, i love so big that it consumes me. and i want those that i love to know right then how much i adore them.
when i'm happy, it overflows onto my face so that the world knows and i just want to dance or scream or giggle and be silly.
and when my heart aches, it aches with such an enormity that sometimes i feel it will literally break.
as i get older, i learn so much more than i ever wanted to know about this world.
i have the knowledge of a grown woman.
i have the strength of an adult.
but, still, there are times that when i hurt, i break just like that little girl i was years ago.
sometimes, i feel ashamed of FEELING so much.
i get onto myself for be "overly emotional".
but, maybe, it's okay to feel things the way i do.
maybe it just means i care that much more.
perhaps it's okay to have that faith like a child.
so, yes, i do ache just like a woman but i still break just like a little girl.
so please, if i give you a piece of my heart, handle it with care.
that man, he's got a way with words.
some don't like his voice, but i do.
i just love how real he is when he sings.
i've had some of his lyrics swimming in my head for a while now.
it's amazing how someone who has never met you can write something or sing something that fits you.
"and she aches just like a woman,
but she breaks just like a little girl"
i've felt a connection to those lines since the first time i heard them.
i try to so hard to pretend i'm strong all the time.
i try to be a "grown up".
i strive to be the one with the positive attitude or the smile on her face.
sure, i joke in a cynical manner, but when it comes to those oh-so-important times where a positive attitude is what is needed, i try to be the one who has it.
i work on "acting my age".
i try not to show too much emotion and avoid being a "baby" in certain situations.
but, i have such BIG feelings.
such STRONG emotions.
when i love, i love so big that it consumes me. and i want those that i love to know right then how much i adore them.
when i'm happy, it overflows onto my face so that the world knows and i just want to dance or scream or giggle and be silly.
and when my heart aches, it aches with such an enormity that sometimes i feel it will literally break.
as i get older, i learn so much more than i ever wanted to know about this world.
i have the knowledge of a grown woman.
i have the strength of an adult.
but, still, there are times that when i hurt, i break just like that little girl i was years ago.
sometimes, i feel ashamed of FEELING so much.
i get onto myself for be "overly emotional".
but, maybe, it's okay to feel things the way i do.
maybe it just means i care that much more.
perhaps it's okay to have that faith like a child.
so, yes, i do ache just like a woman but i still break just like a little girl.
so please, if i give you a piece of my heart, handle it with care.
Monday, November 30, 2009
what i really want for christmas...
people keep asking me what i want for christmas. i usually say nothing.
but honestly, what do i REALLY want? are you ready for this??? ii'm going to tell you.
i want everyone to be happy.
i want us to stop worrying. stop hurting others. stop hurting ourselves.
i want us to start trusting. start believing. start rejoicing in what we have and forget about what we don't.
i want us to stop judging ourselves and others.
so what if you aren't like everyone else. that's a good thing. embrace who you are and love you.
so what if a friend or family member is 28 and not married. they are happy. get off their back about it. just because you are married and have children doesn't mean that that has to be someone else's destiny. leave them be. stop imposing your needs onto them. stop forcing them to defend themselves.
i want us to be kind and considerate of each other and their hearts. some people get hurt easier than others. this doesn't mean that they need to "toughen up". maybe it means you need to lighten up a bit.
i want everyone to get along.
i would love nothing more than for everyone to sit down together and eat cookies and milk and laugh and love.
i want us to enjoy what we have and let go of what we used to have or never had at all.
this world throws enough junk at us as it is, we don't need to add to it with hatefullness or envy or any of that other negative stuff.
i want us to stop thinking of God as Santa Claus; as someone who you go to only when you want something and then when you don't get it you think you are being punished or that he's not real.
i want us to realize that God loves and cares. and does listen. and has our best interest at heart. even when bad things happen, even when we are hurting. He is still there.
He is God. if we could understand Him and His will, what kind of God would He be?
i want us to be peaceful.
i want us to listen more and talk less.
i want us to love like Jesus.
my christmas wish is not something you can buy at a store.
it has no price. no monetary value.
it's worth more than is comprehendable.
but it's what i really want.
but honestly, what do i REALLY want? are you ready for this??? ii'm going to tell you.
i want everyone to be happy.
i want us to stop worrying. stop hurting others. stop hurting ourselves.
i want us to start trusting. start believing. start rejoicing in what we have and forget about what we don't.
i want us to stop judging ourselves and others.
so what if you aren't like everyone else. that's a good thing. embrace who you are and love you.
so what if a friend or family member is 28 and not married. they are happy. get off their back about it. just because you are married and have children doesn't mean that that has to be someone else's destiny. leave them be. stop imposing your needs onto them. stop forcing them to defend themselves.
i want us to be kind and considerate of each other and their hearts. some people get hurt easier than others. this doesn't mean that they need to "toughen up". maybe it means you need to lighten up a bit.
i want everyone to get along.
i would love nothing more than for everyone to sit down together and eat cookies and milk and laugh and love.
i want us to enjoy what we have and let go of what we used to have or never had at all.
this world throws enough junk at us as it is, we don't need to add to it with hatefullness or envy or any of that other negative stuff.
i want us to stop thinking of God as Santa Claus; as someone who you go to only when you want something and then when you don't get it you think you are being punished or that he's not real.
i want us to realize that God loves and cares. and does listen. and has our best interest at heart. even when bad things happen, even when we are hurting. He is still there.
He is God. if we could understand Him and His will, what kind of God would He be?
i want us to be peaceful.
i want us to listen more and talk less.
i want us to love like Jesus.
my christmas wish is not something you can buy at a store.
it has no price. no monetary value.
it's worth more than is comprehendable.
but it's what i really want.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
New Blog
So, I have a second blog. http://lifeonindiana.blogspot.com/
Life on Indiana is a book that I have been working on for some time now. I haven't worked on it in a while, so I created a blog in hopes that that would push me to finish it. It's just stories about my college years(some of the best years of my life).
I don't really think anyone, other than the people in it, will even be interested in it, but it's a goal of mine to finish what I started, so that's what I hope to do.
Check it out if you ever get bored. :)
Life on Indiana is a book that I have been working on for some time now. I haven't worked on it in a while, so I created a blog in hopes that that would push me to finish it. It's just stories about my college years(some of the best years of my life).
I don't really think anyone, other than the people in it, will even be interested in it, but it's a goal of mine to finish what I started, so that's what I hope to do.
Check it out if you ever get bored. :)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
mediocrity at it's best
sometimes, i wish that i were more interesting.
i have incredibly interesting, talented friends.
two of my roommates in college were art majors. they had this creativity that just oozed out of them in every aspect of their lives. they were so interesting and honestly i was jealous of them. they were so laid back. didn't care if the house was a mess. didn't care if everything was in it's place or if stuff matched. in fact, they preferred the opposite.
they are both art teachers now and still just as stinkin' creative and awesome as ever.
i have friends that are/were in bands. musical genius' in my opinion. they can pick up any instrument and play it as if they had always known how to.
one friend of mine is a cake decorator. her talent and vision is insane. her cakes are absolutely beautiful. not only can she bake/cook ANYTHING, but she can sing and play the guitar(which she taught herself to do in a summer), she can paint and write. crazy-talented, this girl.
another friend of mine does improv comedy. she is one of the funniest people i've ever met. this one also plays the cello.
i see these people with their ability to create and i become extremely envious.
i've been mediocre at several things in my life. but never really excelled at any one thing.
i can carry a tune, but i never was the best.
i tried playing the guitar but never could quite get it.
i can't draw to save my life.
i like to cook, but i'm nothin special.
i LOVE order and rules. the more, the better i say.
i like things to match and to be clean and neat.
i'm, well, i'm boring.
let's just put it out there and call it what it is.
and i'd like to say that i've tried to be interesting, but i just don't agree with the idea of making yourself something you aren't. i'm not going to be different just for the sake of being different, you know? i mean, if i'm different, then cool, but i'm not gonna force it.
that's kinda lame.
i would rather just be one of those people who it just happens for.
one who has a cool way of wording things. like, i heard this song on npr today and the lyric was "i've got so much time on my hands and i can't wash it off." what is that?! i want to think like that! geesh.
i want to be able to pick up a pen or paintbrush and create a work of art.
not gonna happen though.
i'd like to write songs and be able to play them in a coffee shop.
nope. won't happen either.
i'm not saying that i'm not going to try to do these things, if i want to. for example, i want to take ballroom dancing lessons. so, i'm going to. but do i expect that i'll be the best dancer in the class? nah. i took dance for 16 yrs and was just okay at it. and not because i didn't want to be good. oh, i wanted to. but, i didn't have the body type.
anyway, this sounds really whiney, i know. i don't mean for it to. it's just how i feel. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be an artist, or dancer or singer or musician or chef, etc. etc. i'm not gonna be excellent at any of those things.
but hey! maybe, just maybe, i'll excel at being mediocre. ;)
i have incredibly interesting, talented friends.
two of my roommates in college were art majors. they had this creativity that just oozed out of them in every aspect of their lives. they were so interesting and honestly i was jealous of them. they were so laid back. didn't care if the house was a mess. didn't care if everything was in it's place or if stuff matched. in fact, they preferred the opposite.
they are both art teachers now and still just as stinkin' creative and awesome as ever.
i have friends that are/were in bands. musical genius' in my opinion. they can pick up any instrument and play it as if they had always known how to.
one friend of mine is a cake decorator. her talent and vision is insane. her cakes are absolutely beautiful. not only can she bake/cook ANYTHING, but she can sing and play the guitar(which she taught herself to do in a summer), she can paint and write. crazy-talented, this girl.
another friend of mine does improv comedy. she is one of the funniest people i've ever met. this one also plays the cello.
i see these people with their ability to create and i become extremely envious.
i've been mediocre at several things in my life. but never really excelled at any one thing.
i can carry a tune, but i never was the best.
i tried playing the guitar but never could quite get it.
i can't draw to save my life.
i like to cook, but i'm nothin special.
i LOVE order and rules. the more, the better i say.
i like things to match and to be clean and neat.
i'm, well, i'm boring.
let's just put it out there and call it what it is.
and i'd like to say that i've tried to be interesting, but i just don't agree with the idea of making yourself something you aren't. i'm not going to be different just for the sake of being different, you know? i mean, if i'm different, then cool, but i'm not gonna force it.
that's kinda lame.
i would rather just be one of those people who it just happens for.
one who has a cool way of wording things. like, i heard this song on npr today and the lyric was "i've got so much time on my hands and i can't wash it off." what is that?! i want to think like that! geesh.
i want to be able to pick up a pen or paintbrush and create a work of art.
not gonna happen though.
i'd like to write songs and be able to play them in a coffee shop.
nope. won't happen either.
i'm not saying that i'm not going to try to do these things, if i want to. for example, i want to take ballroom dancing lessons. so, i'm going to. but do i expect that i'll be the best dancer in the class? nah. i took dance for 16 yrs and was just okay at it. and not because i didn't want to be good. oh, i wanted to. but, i didn't have the body type.
anyway, this sounds really whiney, i know. i don't mean for it to. it's just how i feel. i've come to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be an artist, or dancer or singer or musician or chef, etc. etc. i'm not gonna be excellent at any of those things.
but hey! maybe, just maybe, i'll excel at being mediocre. ;)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
wyatt's momma
"well, she's been through more than her share," daddy said to me during a recent phone conversation. he had called me to let me know that my new nephew had finally arrived.
i had been on pins and needles all day, monday the 9th of november. my sister was being induced that morning. the baby was 2 weeks early but, they were inducing her because he just wasn't getting enough nutrients. we were assured by the doctors that everything would be okay i knew that everything was going to be just fine with both mommy and baby, but i was still apprehensive.
ever since my sister found out she had cancer 5 years ago, i've become extremely over protective. our roles reversed a little. she is still my "big sister" and i still go to her for almost everything, but somehow, at that moment in time, i felt like i needed to be the one to protect her.
the cancer created a special bond between the two of us. i hate cancer. it's evil. it's ugly and mean and it creates havoc in the lives of those around it. it's a thief and a murderer.
but it didn't win. instead of taking a life, it helped us to see how valuable life is.
my sister is one of the strongest people i know. from the get-go she had a "can do" attitude. i remember the night she told my parents and i that she had breast cancer. she was very matter of fact about the whole thing. she said, "i've already cried, and i'm done crying. now, i'm going to go home and let you cry. and tomorrow, we will get up and we will fight. and we will beat this." and that's exactly what happened.
i waited until she left to lose it. and then i quietly ascended the stairs to my bedroom, shut the door, sat down on my bed and well, lost my mind for a bit. i screamed. i cried. i prayed that God would let me keep my sister. and He did. and through it he blessed our relationship.
i have to admit that in the beginning i was not the best sister. i couldn't stand to see her sick, so up until the first surgery i basically pretended like she wasn't. i even avoided her a little bit. but then, i realized that i couldn't do that. it was my job as her sister and friend to be there.
and i tried to be there every step of the way from that point on. now, i'm not writing any of this next part to brag on myself. no, in fact, i am bragging on my sister and her ability to handle anything.
i was there after her first round of chemo when her hair started to fall out. it started coming out, literally in clumps. we went outside so as not to make a mess in the house. we were sitting on the porch, and she was joking about it as we both pulled massive amounts of her beautiful blonde hair from her head. we had gone the week before to get her hair cut short so that it wouldn't be so traumatic. i chose then to join her in cutting mine short too. so, there we were, laughing and joking and pulling out hair and i just stopped. tears filled my eyes and i said, "amanda, i can't do this." so she said, "okay". and we immediately called her beautician to tell her that amanda needed her head shaved. the beautician, the beautician's daughter and myself were all in tears as the clippers ran across amanda's scalp. she chided us and told us that it would grow back and not to be upset.
i was there in the hospital after her second mastectomy. she apologized everytime she had to wake me up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. SHE was concerned for ME.
i was there to clean her wounds and measure the amount of fluid that was in her drains. i would get queasy if she flinched. not because of the blood or incisions, but because i knew it hurt her and that made me physically ill. several times i would have to sit down. and she always apologized. "i'm sorry you have to do this," she would say quietly.
i was there when she had her reconstructive surgery and couldn't stand upright because of the huge incision across her stomach from where they removed the tissue and fat to rebuild her breasts. and once again, she apologized that i had to take care of her.
i honestly don't remember my sister complaining. not one time.
not through 3 surgeries. not through rounds of horrible chemo and "toxic waste"(as she called it) treatments. not through the radiation that burned so badly.
she didn't even complain when the doctor's advised against having children.
nope, amanda once again decided that cancer wasn't going to run her life. she WAS going to have a baby.
and 5 years after being diagnosed with cancer, she has a wonderful husband and they have a brand new baby boy.
his name is wyatt jaxon stockton and he is the most precious wonder in this world.
he is a gift from our Father and everyone in our family understands that.
when daddy and momma called me to tell me about him, i could hear their smiles through the phones. i held it together until my sister got on.
she sounded wonderful! she didn't complain about the pain. and why in the world i would have ever thought she would, i do not know. this was a cake walk compared to what she has been through in her short life. through tears, i told her to kiss wyatt for me and that i would be there in a few days. we used to never say "i love you" but now, we say it all the time. so i told her and she told me and then we hung up.
i spoke to my daddy again later and he was telling me how beautiful wyatt is. i then told him how worried i was and how silly i am for being so overprotective of this woman who can handle anything. and that's when he said, "well, she's been through more than her share." yes, she has. and i don't why. i don't think i'll ever know why. but i truly believe that God only gives to you what He knows you can handle. and my sister is strong and can handle anything that comes her way.
she is amazing, my sister, and i'll be sure to tell wyatt everytime i see him, just how amazing his momma really is.
although, i'm sure he won't need me to tell him. he'll learn that on his own, just like his aunt carrie did.
Friday, November 6, 2009
remember
my heart is sad today.
and to be honest, pretty angry too.
the more i think about the events of yesterday at ft. hood, the more upset i get.
i try really hard not to let things anger me. i really do. anger is such an ugly emotion. it's just not pretty.
but i'm mad right now. i can't hide that.
why on earth would anyone do that?
those poor men and women.
they were either just getting back from iraq or getting ready to go.
some had just survived a nightmare, so thrilled to be on home soil. knowing that they were going to go home and kiss their families. knowing that they were going to get to hold them in their arms for the first time in a long time.
and some were getting ready to leave. anxiety and fear of what was to come rushing through them. having just said goodbye to their loved ones, emotions running high.
both groups, coming and going, heroes. standing up for their country. for people who appreciate them and people who don't.
trusting that their brothers and sisters on the base would stand beside them; have their back.
and they were betrayed.
betrayed by one of their "own".
my family was just there a few months ago.
it terrifies me to think that these people who did this, were probably there when they were.
what if it had happened then?!
what would i have done?
i'm not a violent person. i'm really not. actually, i'm usually the peace maker/keeper.
but, had that happened to my boys, i won't lie, i would probably be tempted to drive down there and find the shooters.
i know that sounds stupid and i know that there would be nothing that i could do, but geesh, would i want to!
i just don't understand this hatred that people have in their hearts.
now, some will argue with me and say that our "guys" are doing the same thing by going over there. they think our country is intruding.
but to those people, you must not have all the facts. you must not remember the numerous attacks. you must not have ever lost a loved one.
i mean, you must obviously have some good reason for having those thoughts that i just can't comprehend.
whatever your thoughts on this war are, please don't ever tell me that these men and women got what they deserved. no seriously, NEVER tell me that.
events such as yesterday cause me to remember feelings that i had during the okc bombing and 9-11. feelings of fear, anger, hurt. it brings them back as if those were just yesterday as well. i feel them all over again.
okay, i need to breathe for a minute. i'm getting myself all worked up.
whew.
but really, sometimes i think we need to get worked up. we need to feel things. REALLY, TRULY feel things. it is so important that we don't forget those days. we need to be sad for those that have sacrificed themselves. we need to hurt for those families and survivors. and sometimes, we need to be mad.
i used to think that being mad was wrong. but really, it's what you do with your anger that's wrong. sometimes, anger can lead to really amazing changes.
like when you get mad about someone beating up on you and you decide you aren't going to take it anymore so you stand up for yourself--that's a good thing.
just because you are nice and kind doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
now, i'm not going to drive down to ft. hood or anywhere for that matter and try to beat anyone up.
but i AM going to continue to support our troops and their families and our country.
i'm not going to hide my opinion just because it might be unpopular. i'm not going to back down just because someone disagrees with it or because it's politically incorrect.
i'm certain that i will always support our military and their efforts. i'm not afraid to say that.
i AM going to pray for them as well. i will pray that somehow, they find peace in this storm.
and i AM going to pray for those that did this terrible thing. i pray that their hearts are broken and that they see that this is NOT the right way. that killing people because of their religion or country affiliation is wrong. it just is.
and i AM going to pray, that i handle my anger and emotions in the proper manner.
i don't know what to do, other than to remember and pray. and love on those around me.
i'm thankful for the blessings i have in this life. i'm thankful that my loved ones are safe.
but i'm so sad that others are not.
i will try not to forget yesterday's events. right now, they are so fresh. but as time passes, they will fade. people will forget. emotions will settle. they will move on and continue with their lives.
however, the people directly affected by this, won't ever forget. it will always be right there with them.
i urge you, to never forget.
never forget how you feel at this moment. for in forgetting those feelings, this day, you forget them and the value of their lives.
and they deserve to be remembered.
they deserve to mourned.
they deserve your tears and your anger.
please remember.
and to be honest, pretty angry too.
the more i think about the events of yesterday at ft. hood, the more upset i get.
i try really hard not to let things anger me. i really do. anger is such an ugly emotion. it's just not pretty.
but i'm mad right now. i can't hide that.
why on earth would anyone do that?
those poor men and women.
they were either just getting back from iraq or getting ready to go.
some had just survived a nightmare, so thrilled to be on home soil. knowing that they were going to go home and kiss their families. knowing that they were going to get to hold them in their arms for the first time in a long time.
and some were getting ready to leave. anxiety and fear of what was to come rushing through them. having just said goodbye to their loved ones, emotions running high.
both groups, coming and going, heroes. standing up for their country. for people who appreciate them and people who don't.
trusting that their brothers and sisters on the base would stand beside them; have their back.
and they were betrayed.
betrayed by one of their "own".
my family was just there a few months ago.
it terrifies me to think that these people who did this, were probably there when they were.
what if it had happened then?!
what would i have done?
i'm not a violent person. i'm really not. actually, i'm usually the peace maker/keeper.
but, had that happened to my boys, i won't lie, i would probably be tempted to drive down there and find the shooters.
i know that sounds stupid and i know that there would be nothing that i could do, but geesh, would i want to!
i just don't understand this hatred that people have in their hearts.
now, some will argue with me and say that our "guys" are doing the same thing by going over there. they think our country is intruding.
but to those people, you must not have all the facts. you must not remember the numerous attacks. you must not have ever lost a loved one.
i mean, you must obviously have some good reason for having those thoughts that i just can't comprehend.
whatever your thoughts on this war are, please don't ever tell me that these men and women got what they deserved. no seriously, NEVER tell me that.
events such as yesterday cause me to remember feelings that i had during the okc bombing and 9-11. feelings of fear, anger, hurt. it brings them back as if those were just yesterday as well. i feel them all over again.
okay, i need to breathe for a minute. i'm getting myself all worked up.
whew.
but really, sometimes i think we need to get worked up. we need to feel things. REALLY, TRULY feel things. it is so important that we don't forget those days. we need to be sad for those that have sacrificed themselves. we need to hurt for those families and survivors. and sometimes, we need to be mad.
i used to think that being mad was wrong. but really, it's what you do with your anger that's wrong. sometimes, anger can lead to really amazing changes.
like when you get mad about someone beating up on you and you decide you aren't going to take it anymore so you stand up for yourself--that's a good thing.
just because you are nice and kind doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
now, i'm not going to drive down to ft. hood or anywhere for that matter and try to beat anyone up.
but i AM going to continue to support our troops and their families and our country.
i'm not going to hide my opinion just because it might be unpopular. i'm not going to back down just because someone disagrees with it or because it's politically incorrect.
i'm certain that i will always support our military and their efforts. i'm not afraid to say that.
i AM going to pray for them as well. i will pray that somehow, they find peace in this storm.
and i AM going to pray for those that did this terrible thing. i pray that their hearts are broken and that they see that this is NOT the right way. that killing people because of their religion or country affiliation is wrong. it just is.
and i AM going to pray, that i handle my anger and emotions in the proper manner.
i don't know what to do, other than to remember and pray. and love on those around me.
i'm thankful for the blessings i have in this life. i'm thankful that my loved ones are safe.
but i'm so sad that others are not.
i will try not to forget yesterday's events. right now, they are so fresh. but as time passes, they will fade. people will forget. emotions will settle. they will move on and continue with their lives.
however, the people directly affected by this, won't ever forget. it will always be right there with them.
i urge you, to never forget.
never forget how you feel at this moment. for in forgetting those feelings, this day, you forget them and the value of their lives.
and they deserve to be remembered.
they deserve to mourned.
they deserve your tears and your anger.
please remember.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
love notes from God
from the roof of my old farm house, it felt like i could see every star in the universe. i know that i couldn't, but that's what it felt like.
i used to climb out my window on to my roof at night and sit there for hours, just staring in wonder at the sky. awed by the greatness of our God. i felt in those moments complete joy. i felt surrounded by love.
did you know that there are 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way alone? that's not even counting how many there are in the other galaxies. that's amazing!
one of my all-time favorite past times, is star gazing. it always has been.
when i was little, my daddy would take my sister and i out to look at the stars and planets through the telescope. (i probably get my love of stars from him.) he knows all the planets and that good stuff. i just know i like the stars.
i can't tell you where orion is or which one is mars. i just love to look at the lights in the dark abyss.
it is just amazing to me that God put all those stars there for me to look at! it's like having a trillions of little love notes right there in front of you!
in early college my best friends paul, greg and zane and i would lay in the back of paul's pick up and look at the stars. there were times we were completely silent, but then there were times that we were overflowing with words about the greatness of our Father.
later in my college years, some friends of mine from the bible chair and myself found a field north of town that we would go lay in to star-gaze. once again, there were times of complete silence as we lay there pondering. we were all in unison in our thoughts.
i've never wondered why i like the stars.
i've always been taken aback by their beauty.
and i've been able to share my thoughts and feelings about them with others who felt much the same way. i've never really had to explain myself.
until last year.
a guy that i was dating and i were discussing our like's and dislike's one evening and i said that i loved looking at the stars. he didn't really say anything. so, i asked him if he liked looking at them. he said, and i'll never forget, "what's to look at?". i was stunned. i didn't know how to respond to this.
my normal response would be to talk about how beautiful they are and how awesome it is that God loved us so much that He would create them for us.
but, this time, that wouldn't work. you see, this man didn't believe in God. so to him, those stars were just...there.
this broke my heart. i mean, it really hurt.
i look at those twinkling lights and see a loving and powerful and wonderful God.
and he sees...nothing.
i read a beautiful love story.
he sees...darkness.
i wanted to cry. i wanted him to know the joy i felt. the love i had. but he couldn't.
everytime i look at the stars now, i think of him. we are no longer dating. in fact, we don't speak at all anymore. but, i still wish for him to be able to see what i see. to know what i know.
i want him to see more than stars. i want him to see the love story that God has for him.
i want him to have his breath taken away by the thought that someone created millions upon millions of stars JUST FOR HIM. i want him to know what a gift that is.
someday, i hope he sees them. REALLY sees them.
i hope that some still night, he turns his face to the millions of glistening pin-points of light and really, truly sees them.
i don't get to the stars much anymore where i live. and i've been missing them.
i think i'll find a place just for me and my stars, like the one i had on my roof or that old field.
i'll find somewhere that i can just be.
i'll go and i'll sit in quiet adoration.
i'll sit and i'll read my love notes.
i used to climb out my window on to my roof at night and sit there for hours, just staring in wonder at the sky. awed by the greatness of our God. i felt in those moments complete joy. i felt surrounded by love.
did you know that there are 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way alone? that's not even counting how many there are in the other galaxies. that's amazing!
one of my all-time favorite past times, is star gazing. it always has been.
when i was little, my daddy would take my sister and i out to look at the stars and planets through the telescope. (i probably get my love of stars from him.) he knows all the planets and that good stuff. i just know i like the stars.
i can't tell you where orion is or which one is mars. i just love to look at the lights in the dark abyss.
it is just amazing to me that God put all those stars there for me to look at! it's like having a trillions of little love notes right there in front of you!
in early college my best friends paul, greg and zane and i would lay in the back of paul's pick up and look at the stars. there were times we were completely silent, but then there were times that we were overflowing with words about the greatness of our Father.
later in my college years, some friends of mine from the bible chair and myself found a field north of town that we would go lay in to star-gaze. once again, there were times of complete silence as we lay there pondering. we were all in unison in our thoughts.
i've never wondered why i like the stars.
i've always been taken aback by their beauty.
and i've been able to share my thoughts and feelings about them with others who felt much the same way. i've never really had to explain myself.
until last year.
a guy that i was dating and i were discussing our like's and dislike's one evening and i said that i loved looking at the stars. he didn't really say anything. so, i asked him if he liked looking at them. he said, and i'll never forget, "what's to look at?". i was stunned. i didn't know how to respond to this.
my normal response would be to talk about how beautiful they are and how awesome it is that God loved us so much that He would create them for us.
but, this time, that wouldn't work. you see, this man didn't believe in God. so to him, those stars were just...there.
this broke my heart. i mean, it really hurt.
i look at those twinkling lights and see a loving and powerful and wonderful God.
and he sees...nothing.
i read a beautiful love story.
he sees...darkness.
i wanted to cry. i wanted him to know the joy i felt. the love i had. but he couldn't.
everytime i look at the stars now, i think of him. we are no longer dating. in fact, we don't speak at all anymore. but, i still wish for him to be able to see what i see. to know what i know.
i want him to see more than stars. i want him to see the love story that God has for him.
i want him to have his breath taken away by the thought that someone created millions upon millions of stars JUST FOR HIM. i want him to know what a gift that is.
someday, i hope he sees them. REALLY sees them.
i hope that some still night, he turns his face to the millions of glistening pin-points of light and really, truly sees them.
i don't get to the stars much anymore where i live. and i've been missing them.
i think i'll find a place just for me and my stars, like the one i had on my roof or that old field.
i'll find somewhere that i can just be.
i'll go and i'll sit in quiet adoration.
i'll sit and i'll read my love notes.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A Bit of Wish and Wash
i think i might be a bit wishy-washy. but then again, i might change my mind about that as well.
people who were constantly changing their minds or ideas or paths used to really irritate me. "just pick something already," i would say. i mean, come on, how hard is it to pick one thing and just go with it.
hmmm...well, i have recently realized that...i've become that girl now. i have a hundred different "great ideas" running through my head. a thousand different directions i would like to go in this life.
millions of feelings and emotions that i can't seem to get a reign on.
ugh.
how did this even happen? i used to have it together. i used to have a plan.
but now i have LOTS of plans.
i guess, in a way, that's okay. i have options, right? back-ups in case something fails.
but, the problem is, i keep involving others in these plans/ideas/emotions and then i change my mind or heart and that's where the trouble starts.
people don't like a wishy-washy girl.
heck, i don't like a wishy-washy girl.
and i am that girl.
so what to do?
i really don't know.
do i continue on with my non-commital type lifestyle; always pursuing new things.
or, do i commit to one thing and stick with it and be safe?
i'm kinda leaning towards the former. for now at least. that could change. ha!
but seriously, i don't want to be that girl that everyone rolls their eyes at when she has a new idea. (i've been the one doing the eye-rolling before.)
i want people to take me seriously. to believe that i won't let them down. to believe that i won't let myself down.
i really don't know what to do or how to figure this out.
am i wrong because i don't want to stay in one place forever and do one thing for the rest of my life?
am i terrible because the thought of committing to something long term scares the pants off of me?
sometimes, i think yes and sometimes no.
and there we go again with the wishy-washiness.
ugh.
people who were constantly changing their minds or ideas or paths used to really irritate me. "just pick something already," i would say. i mean, come on, how hard is it to pick one thing and just go with it.
hmmm...well, i have recently realized that...i've become that girl now. i have a hundred different "great ideas" running through my head. a thousand different directions i would like to go in this life.
millions of feelings and emotions that i can't seem to get a reign on.
ugh.
how did this even happen? i used to have it together. i used to have a plan.
but now i have LOTS of plans.
i guess, in a way, that's okay. i have options, right? back-ups in case something fails.
but, the problem is, i keep involving others in these plans/ideas/emotions and then i change my mind or heart and that's where the trouble starts.
people don't like a wishy-washy girl.
heck, i don't like a wishy-washy girl.
and i am that girl.
so what to do?
i really don't know.
do i continue on with my non-commital type lifestyle; always pursuing new things.
or, do i commit to one thing and stick with it and be safe?
i'm kinda leaning towards the former. for now at least. that could change. ha!
but seriously, i don't want to be that girl that everyone rolls their eyes at when she has a new idea. (i've been the one doing the eye-rolling before.)
i want people to take me seriously. to believe that i won't let them down. to believe that i won't let myself down.
i really don't know what to do or how to figure this out.
am i wrong because i don't want to stay in one place forever and do one thing for the rest of my life?
am i terrible because the thought of committing to something long term scares the pants off of me?
sometimes, i think yes and sometimes no.
and there we go again with the wishy-washiness.
ugh.
Monday, October 19, 2009
officially a texan!
well, i finally got everything done and i am now officially a texan! (but, i'm still an oklahoman in my heart!)
it took for-stinkin-ever to get everything done, but it's done! yee-haw!
aw nuts! i just remembered, i still have to register to vote. pooh. oh well, i'm still excited i got everything else taken care of!
it's weird, because i thought giving up my ok dl and license plates and all that stuff would in some way be sad, but i'm really okay with it. i feel really at home here. i'm at a place in my life where i'm just so ridiculously happy and positive!
thanks be to God for His MARVELOUS gifts!
just goes to show that if you let Him lead, things will be good. and even if they aren't, you can still find joy in those times.
i'm still learning everyday to trust and be patient, but i'm coming along slowly and loving every minute of the ride!
so, if you are ever needing to take a rode trip, come see this happy girl in texas, y'all! ha!
it took for-stinkin-ever to get everything done, but it's done! yee-haw!
aw nuts! i just remembered, i still have to register to vote. pooh. oh well, i'm still excited i got everything else taken care of!
it's weird, because i thought giving up my ok dl and license plates and all that stuff would in some way be sad, but i'm really okay with it. i feel really at home here. i'm at a place in my life where i'm just so ridiculously happy and positive!
thanks be to God for His MARVELOUS gifts!
just goes to show that if you let Him lead, things will be good. and even if they aren't, you can still find joy in those times.
i'm still learning everyday to trust and be patient, but i'm coming along slowly and loving every minute of the ride!
so, if you are ever needing to take a rode trip, come see this happy girl in texas, y'all! ha!
Friday, October 16, 2009
stop imagining and start doing
i love the beatles.
i'd say that they are in my top 5 favorite bands.
i enjoy all of their music. throughout the decades.
and i liked their solo stuff too.
i love john, paul, george and don't forget good ole ringo.
i think that they had so much beautiful talent collectively and separately.
with that being said, everyone knows the song "imagine" by john lennon.
it's a beautiful melody. and the lyrics are a nice concept, i guess.
when i was in college in my intro. to theatre class, our final project was to take the song "imagine" and design a set, costumes and act around it. it really was a fun project. as a group, we tried our best to make everything very equal and well, vague. our concept was one of unity. but, like i said, it was pretty vague.
my professor for that class was the exact opposite of me. where i am conservative and a christian, todd was extra liberal and an atheist. but, he was one of my favorite professors of my whole college career. he made me think. because our opinions differed so greatly, i had to really know why i believed what i believed so as to be able to have an educated argument, err, discussion with him.
and we had a few of those.
but never the less, we got along really well.
i learned about theatre, but i more importantly i learned about myself. he challenged me and i appreciate that.
anyway, todd had us do this project, right. i knew why he picked that song. it's so todd. "no religion, no heaven, no possessions, no war" etc, etc.
and as stated before, while those are all nice concepts, are they really that great?
here are the lyrics:
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
yes, it would be nice if their were no possessions, because then there would be no greed, right? that's ideal. but i think we would still find something to be greedy about. we're humans.
and no hell? yeah, that would be wonderful, but then like it says, there would also be no heaven. not so ideal.
nothing to kill or die for? okay. but if there is nothing worth killing or dying for, then what is there to live for? this is the lyric that got to me the most. you would think it would be the one about heaven, but no, it was actually this one.
because without having something to die for what's the point of living or even having a heaven?
it would be wonderful if we could all get along. totally agreed.
it would be fantastic if people didn't have to be hungry. i get it.
it would be super if we weren't punished for our wrongs. okay.
but without all of those things, would we really be able to appreciate what we have? would we appreciate this life? truly appreciate it, if it were completely void of hardships and trials and choices and consequences?
i would have to say no, we wouldn't.
it's okay to be a dreamer. i'm a dreamer too.
but i just have a different dream.
one of love. and joy.
love for those people in different countries, different social classes, different backgrounds and religions.
and joy. joy in the toughest of circumstances. joy in the storm. joy in our diversity.
so, mr. lennon, i will have to respectfully disagree with you and not join you in your imagining.
instead, i'm going to live here in the now and deal with the reality i've been dealt with. i'm not going to dream of a perfect world, i'm just going to do my best to make mine better.
i'd say that they are in my top 5 favorite bands.
i enjoy all of their music. throughout the decades.
and i liked their solo stuff too.
i love john, paul, george and don't forget good ole ringo.
i think that they had so much beautiful talent collectively and separately.
with that being said, everyone knows the song "imagine" by john lennon.
it's a beautiful melody. and the lyrics are a nice concept, i guess.
when i was in college in my intro. to theatre class, our final project was to take the song "imagine" and design a set, costumes and act around it. it really was a fun project. as a group, we tried our best to make everything very equal and well, vague. our concept was one of unity. but, like i said, it was pretty vague.
my professor for that class was the exact opposite of me. where i am conservative and a christian, todd was extra liberal and an atheist. but, he was one of my favorite professors of my whole college career. he made me think. because our opinions differed so greatly, i had to really know why i believed what i believed so as to be able to have an educated argument, err, discussion with him.
and we had a few of those.
but never the less, we got along really well.
i learned about theatre, but i more importantly i learned about myself. he challenged me and i appreciate that.
anyway, todd had us do this project, right. i knew why he picked that song. it's so todd. "no religion, no heaven, no possessions, no war" etc, etc.
and as stated before, while those are all nice concepts, are they really that great?
here are the lyrics:
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
yes, it would be nice if their were no possessions, because then there would be no greed, right? that's ideal. but i think we would still find something to be greedy about. we're humans.
and no hell? yeah, that would be wonderful, but then like it says, there would also be no heaven. not so ideal.
nothing to kill or die for? okay. but if there is nothing worth killing or dying for, then what is there to live for? this is the lyric that got to me the most. you would think it would be the one about heaven, but no, it was actually this one.
because without having something to die for what's the point of living or even having a heaven?
it would be wonderful if we could all get along. totally agreed.
it would be fantastic if people didn't have to be hungry. i get it.
it would be super if we weren't punished for our wrongs. okay.
but without all of those things, would we really be able to appreciate what we have? would we appreciate this life? truly appreciate it, if it were completely void of hardships and trials and choices and consequences?
i would have to say no, we wouldn't.
it's okay to be a dreamer. i'm a dreamer too.
but i just have a different dream.
one of love. and joy.
love for those people in different countries, different social classes, different backgrounds and religions.
and joy. joy in the toughest of circumstances. joy in the storm. joy in our diversity.
so, mr. lennon, i will have to respectfully disagree with you and not join you in your imagining.
instead, i'm going to live here in the now and deal with the reality i've been dealt with. i'm not going to dream of a perfect world, i'm just going to do my best to make mine better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)